Ode To A '85 Ford Travel Mix Tape

When I was a kid, I equated my family's road trips (and travelling in general) with a mix tape that came with my mom's 1985 Ford . I guess around that time, Ford decided a good incentive for buying one of their cars would be to give away a travel mixtape with purchase, which is rather nice and thoughtful in a way. If you forgot to bring a cool mix tape with you to the dealership, they were hooking you up right off the bat for the ride home!

This cassette had a slew of songs on it by popular artists that were hot in and around 1985. I was really young and didn't pay attention to the radio or watch MTV, so I didn't know that any of these songs were hits until years later. I thought they were made exclusively for the Ford mix tape. They were songs like "Oh, Sherry" by a fired up Steve Perry, 'Til Tuesday's heart wrenching ode to speaking,"Voices Carry", an extended version of the Cosby Show theme jump off for some fucking reason, and "Headed For the Future" by Neil Diamond. The Neil Diamond song really had me fooled because the lyrics had so many references that could easily have passed for travel metaphors (like "Yeah, we're headed for a new place/ a step at a time/ We're gonna take a long ride"). I thought there was a chance that maybe Neil had an '85 Ford airlifted to his mansion in England where he spent time really getting to know the car well. Running his hand over the hood, sitting inside the car, turning the wipers on and off- he needed to really feel the essence of the car that he in turn, thought was "headed for the future". Of course, I was mistaken. Neil probably wouldn't even piss in between two parked '85 Fords, let alone sit inside one and write an original song dedicated to it.

Over the course of my youth, I probably heard that tape a thousand times, easily. Whenever I hear any of these songs now, I think of my family's countless trips to the Jersey Shore, or when we went to Amish Country (where they probably know nothing of mix tapes in general), or even if we were just going to Shop Rite. Sadly, when I think of anytime spent inside of a car when I was a kid, it has the shittiest soundtrack of all time. It's etched into my brain, more than likely until the day I die. It's my curse and I try to live with it every day the best I can.

Some Music Reviews

I recently wrote some sample music reviews for consideration by a punk rock zine. I thought they were ok so here they are, reprinted with permission of course.

NIGHT BIRDS:Self-titled:CDEP-R- There's a part in Get In the Van, the Henry Rollins literary opus about his time in Black Flag, where he describes how gnarly and vicious the surfer punks from Huntington Beach, CA were. They board a bus without paying the fare, anyone who looked their way got spat on, they were generally mean and unpleasant etc. If Night Birds came out in 1982 instead of 2009, I could imagine their logo scrawled in marker on one of said surf punks denim jackets. Current and ex-members of the Ergs!, Hunchback, Psyched To Die, and For Science invoke memories of Agent Orange and Adolescents at their most breakneck and Dick Dale-inspired best. Looking forward to a full length.-(Self-released,myspace.com/nghtbirds)

RUINER:Hell Is Empty:CD- Baltimore’s Ruiner pick up the slack left by the departure of Modern Life Is War by returning with another slab of emotionally wrought hardcore. The audio equivalent of someone collapsing into a sad heap of anger and frustration. Baltimore hardcore bands (Deep Sleep, Pulling Teeth, Trapped Under Ice) seem to have the market cornered on that kind of stuff. It ain't all designer cakes shaped like Model T Fords coming out of the Charm City nowadays.- (Bridge Nine, www.Bridge9.com)

SANDWORMS:It's a Fucking Demo:CDEP-R- A sandworm themed tour with Shai Hulud should definitely be in the works, but I feel like the Dune reference would go over most of the audience’s heads and Sandworms would just wind up playing for confused hardcore kids every night. Either way,this demo is a fun vision of things to come for the New York pop punk scene. Although Sandworms feature an ex-member of the Steinways in their ranks, the band's sound seems to draw more from the Replacements and the Gaslight Anthem than say, Screeching Weasel. It's still just as catchy and I await the impending growth of these Sandworms with far less horror than if they were actual sandworms.- Andy Conway (Time To Operate, www.timetooperate.com)

WEEKEND NACHOS:Unforgivable:CD- Well, Weekend Nachos would definitely win the award for Best Juxtaposition of Wacky Band Name With Disturbingly Brutal Cover Art at this year's Thrashies (the award show for thrash bands that I just made up). Unforgivablesports a gruesome cover shot of what appears to the severed head of a young girl lying in rubble, which doesn't exactly make me think of a fun Saturday spent eating tortilla chips covered in melted cheese and refried beans. Luckily,their music (which will definitely please fans of heavier crustier bands like Assuck, Skitsystem and Tragedy) more than makes up for their zany nomenclature in the brutality department.-(Relapse, www.relapse.com)

CONVERGE:Axe to Fall:CD- When Converge basically gave birth to the genre of metalcore (whether they meant to or not), there's no way they could have predicted that it would be reduced to the sad state we see today. It's clogged by bands with generic,uninspired chugging breakdowns, abstract sentence fragments for names, and neon vomit splattered t-shirts sold at Hot Topic. That's why it's always refreshing to see Converge come back and annihilate all the phonies and pretenders with another in their series of boneshitting facemelters (albums). Songs like “Dark Horse” and “Reap What You Sow”combine frantic riffing with crazy breakdowns the way Converge do best. This is highly recommended to people who want to hear top notch heavy music; I feel like Converge fans already have this and are working on replacing the lamp they broke while doing karate kick mosh moves to it in their living room.-(Epitaph, www.epitaph.com)

ALEX KERNS:9 Song Demo:CD- Lemuria’s Alex Kerns steps out into the spotlight with this rather expansive demo of solo material. In Lemuria, Kerns is the primary songwriter/sometimes singer, so fans of that band really have no reason not to check this out. The material here is quirky and poppier than Lemuria tends to be. Kerns has an interesting voice, a blend of Dinosaur Jr's J. Mascis and American Music Club's Mark Eitzel. Fans of mid ‘90s indie rock like Pavement and Sebadoh could get into this. “Scar” totally pulls at the heartstrings and “The Girl That I Want To Meet” would have been a college radio hit two decades ago. I can really see Kerns scoring a healthy following as a solo artist.- (Art of the Underground, www.artoftheunderground.com)

DEEP SLEEP:Three Things at Once:CD- Deep Sleep have probably never committed laundry or suppressed flatulence. In other words, they wear their All/Descendents influence proudly on their (record) sleeves and this collection of all their recorded output to date (three 7” records to be exact- You're Screwed, Manic Euphoria and Paranoid Futures) paints a picture of a band that keeps getting better with every subsequent release. There's a heavy influence of all things early-SST here, with Black Flag and Bl'ast also figuring heavily into the equation. Deep Sleep never slack on delivering a song that pounds from start to finish, with tracks like “Textbook Timebomb” and “Let Go” being especially rollicking.- (Grave Mistake, www.gravemistakerecords.com)

PSYCHED TO DIE:Year One:CD- Psyched To Die selected a theme for their band (wanting to die) that will never get old. Good thing they didn't go with Psyched To Scrapbook or Psyched To Drink Tab, because they would have ran out of steam fairly quickly. Year One, much like Deep Sleep's Three Things At Once, compiles the hardcore punk supergroup (featuring current and former members of the Ergs!, Night Birds, Black Wine, and Fast Times) first three releases during their first year as a band. Fast, fun hardcore in the vein of early to mid 1980s bands like 7 Seconds, Black Flag and Deep Wound, a song by whom Psyched To Die is named after. I find myself singing “Five Year Plan" and “Permanent Solution” around the house quite often, which due to the subject matter is slightly troubling, but whatever. Shit's really catchy. To quote Homer Simpson, “Dying would be a stone groove”(Dirtnap,www.dirtnaprecs.com)

MUNICIPAL WASTE:Massive Aggressive:CD- The beer soaked champions of the crossover thrash revival return in fine form on Massive Aggressive. All the things you might already love about Municipal Waste are still firmly intact- songs about stuff that could be plots from cheesy ‘80s horror movies (“The Wrath of the Severed Head”, “Wolves From Chernobyl” ), circle pit ready fast parts, killer breakdowns that will rip the bullet belt right off your waist. Municipal Waste do their thrash forefathers- The Accused, Anthrax, D.R.I- very proud. Seriously,“ Horny For Blood” would be the clear winner for Best Metal Performance at the Grammys, if they weren't such bullshit. When it comes to hearing the best of the new school of thrash, Municipal Waste are easily the place to start.- (Earache,www.earache.com)

DINOSAUR JR.:Farm:CD- I would so live and work on Dinosaur Jr's farm! The bountiful harvest of sweet guitar solos and beautifully earnest songs about life's many bummers would be enough to keep me happy as I worked the land. It's been really awesome to see the original lineup of this legendary band come back together and produce great albums as if there was never that really ugly split between J. Mascis and Lou Barlow all those years ago. I guess sometimes conflict fuels really good music- just ask the Kinks or EPMD. Easily in my year end top 5. I could listen to this all day! I'm gonna go try to plant a guitar tree! - (Jagjagjuwar,www.jagjagjuwar.com)

Culture of Douchebags

We're such a culture of douchebags. I always see commercials where someone's like "Yeeahhh...I don't know about that, hot shot" before grabbing a flatbread sandwich or loan application away from his dumber friend. When did we all get so sarcastic and douchey? And no, I'm not just using what I see in commercials as proof of this, you douchebag.

I'm also using what I've seen in other things on television as proof of this. Like many people, I saw the interaction between Kanye West and Taylor Swift unfold at this year's MTV Video Music Awards and I was horrified at the douchiness. Kanye West needs to stage crash an awards show every year to get a much needed boost to his self esteem and for Taylor Swift to not handle this with a better sense of humor really sickened me. She was being a douchebag by turning everyone against Kanye and his lovable antics. Anyone who shaves funny swirls into their head can't be that bad. All I know is I can name like, 20 Kanye West songs I've liked off the top of my head and that one Taylor Swift song is fucking terrible, so lay off of him already and let her get some of that backla....oh, wait, everyone forgot about this already. Nevermind.

The Juggalos of the Vegetable World

First and foremost, I would like to dedicate this blog to pro wrestling legend Captain Lou Albano, who passed away earlier this week. When I started watching WWF wrestling as a kid, Captain Lou Albano was my favorite manager. I had his action figure and I thought he was great, even though I'm still not sure what he was the captain of (I guess, theoretically, since he navigated the careers of so many wrestlers as their manager, he was kind of like a captain navigating a ship of sorts?)
Captain Lou transcended wrestling. Many non-wrestling fans remember him from his appearances in Cyndi Lauper's music videos and from playing Super Mario on the Mario Brothers cartoon show. I'll always remember him from what he taught me about not giving a fuck. I don't know if that's what he intended, but as a kid, that's how it came across to me. Want to wear a t-shit with an ugly caricature of yourself on it? Do it. Want to wear rubber bands on your beard and face at all times? Just go for it. Pierce your cheek with a safety pin? If Captain Lou can do it, then so can you. He taught me valuable life lessons I'll never forget. Thanks, Captain Lou Albano. RIP



So, I keep forgetting the password to sign in here to update this blog, which either speaks highly of how little I've "blogged" as of late, or how my memory is getting shittier. Probably both. Some quick motherfucking thoughts

- I like brussels sprouts. I've been into them (it?) for a while now, actually. I admit it's not the best tasting vegetable in the world, but I like eating them occasionally and why not, right? Who's gonna fuckin' stop me? You? C'mon, then. *spits on the ground* Pussy.

I feel like they've been unfairly stereotyped as being a shitty tasting food that parents force their kids to eat and are constantly made to look disgustingly gross by the media. I almost want to start an anti-defamation group for brussels sprouts, but then I feel like I would lose credibility when reporters would ask me what my favorite brussels sprouts recipes are, if I was the only kid on my block that liked to eat them, when I discovered that I loved them so much etc. and I would have to be like "Alright, guy, I don't like them THAT much. I just feel bad for them is all"
Pictured above- A big ol' heaping helping of brussel's spouts served in a fun wicker basket is a sure way to liven up your dinner table this holiday season! But don't make it like this picture. There's far too many gross ass brussels sprouts in there and that's probably going to make all your guests sick and ruin whatever holiday it is.

Also, on top of that, I just found out when I started writing this that the correct name for them is "Brussels sprouts". I always thought it was "brussel sprouts". So, as you can see, I'm no expert on the matter. More lost cred points. Yeah, it turns out that they were first found in Brussels in Belgium, hence the name "Brussels sprouts". I definitely would have included that "fun" fact in a pro-sprouts pamphlet if I ever were to start that group. You know, the brussels sprouts anti-defamtion group I was talking about. Like, from before.
Brussels sprouts are like the Juggalos of the vegetable world. They get no respect from anyone and nobody likes them. I guess those are the only reasons I would consider them the Juggalos of the vegetable world. There's no yearly Gathering of the Brussels Sprouts, but how could there be? Their right to assemble has been taken away by anti-brussels sprouts fascists . pictured above- The brussels sprouts of the music world

Give those brussels sprouts another chance, everybody. I swear they're not horrible. They're actually not bad. Not as bad as they're supposed to be, that is.

Writer's Block, Van Halen etc.

I've been trying all night to write this blog's version of Van Halen's first record, but every time I tried, I wound up getting closer to writing this blog's version of the shitty album with the guy from Extreme on vocals, "Van Halen III". In non-Halen terms, I've been trying to write something that's really funny and good that people might enjoy reading, but I can't come up with jackshit. I wonder if this is how Van Halen felt when they were working on one of their earlier albums. What did they do for inspiration? Did David Lee Roth practice mid-air splits while Michael Anthony looked at his Jack Daniels bottle shaped bass, admiring it? Did Eddie and Alex Van Halen reminisce about their childhood in the old country, about how far they came from when they were so poor they had to eat their own hair for dinner(maybe)? Whatever they did, they came up with some solid rock albums back then. But how? What possessed them?

Oh, wait, they probably did a lot of coke. That's it.

I also wonder if this is how they felt when they were working on the shitty album with the guy from Extreme on vocals.They probably didn't even care to get inspired. They were already rich and famous so the hunger was no longer there. There was no real sense of effort here at all. It's clear when you listen to it or even look at the album cover. It's a fucking stock photo with the name of the album lazily placed on the cannon. They didn't even use a cool looking font . What is that anyway, times new roman? I've seen Van Halen bootleg covers with more effort put into them than that.
So, moving forward with my writing, my mantra will be "More Van Halen I, Less Van Halen III". You can do this with any band, really. "More Master of Puppets, Less St. Anger","More Cracked Rear View, Less Fairweather Johnson" and so on. I hope it will yield some better results in the near future.

Soooo....

To say that updates to my blog here have been sporadic would be like saying "Robin William's arms have a couple of hairs on them, no big deal. More like peach fuzz than anything, actually", when we all know Robin Williams has some crazy hairy simian arms and I haven't been productive here in a good while. I swear things will change. Not for Patch Adams himself, Robin Williams, but for me, your old buddy, me! I'll be writing a lot more is what I'm trying to say.

The Time Traveler's Wife

Not long ago, I saw a trailer for a movie called "The Time Traveler's Wife". I immediately assumed this film would be about a married couple that get's really rich through betting on sports that take place in the future. It's the perfect racket- just ask Biff Tannen. The time traveling husband goes into the future, buys a sports almanac and then gives it to the wife, who begins betting big money on every game possible. They make tons of money and nobody catches on because the Time Traveler can keep going back and forth though time, covering their tracks. It's a perfect scam! The only thing that could stop them is greed- like if one decided to kill the other in order to get their share of the money! That would be good. This way, the plot twist could possibly be that the greed murder could fuck up the outcome of a game from the future they bet all their money on, double or nothing.
Like, maybe she shoots him while they're both in a helicopter going over the Citrus Dome during the Citrus Bowl. He get's blown through a window, falls thousands of feet into the stadium during the crucial final play, and lands on top of the Florida A&M quarterback as he's about to make the winning pass and it costs them the game. (Since this is a bullshit movie, everyone would carry on as if a corpse falling from the sky and killing a young quarterback is just some kind of annoying inconvenience. Maybe show shots of fans in the stands with their faces painted up in the team colors going "AWWW!" and angrily tossing down their team pendants, an old lady can do a spittake and yell "What the fuck!?" or something. Meanwhile the other team would celebrate and do the whole "dump a barrel of Gatorade on the coach" thing, totally ignoring the horrible tragedy that just occured.)
In the end they would see how greed ruined their love as well as the great scam they had going. Then the Time Traveler could go back in time and stop the tragic chain of events from unfolding. Unless, he's the one that gets killed, in which case the Time Traveler's Wife would just have to go to prison for murder. I guess it would all depend on which ending goes over better with test audiences.
As it turns out, the movie is not about what I pretended to assume it would be about. According to Wikipedia (a web site that's like an internet encyclopedia; it's really cool), it's about a woman's relationship over the course of her life with a guy who "has a genetic disorder that causes him to time travel randomly". Random time travel sounds like a way better genetic disorder than say, diabetes, that's for sure. It doesn't seem like they do much to capitalize monetarily on the time travel either. They probably just spend all their time together coiled in a loving embrace- He just slowly runs the front of his index and middle finger down the side of her face as they gaze longingly into each others eyes, both sadly aware that this magic moment is fleeting as it won't be long before he ascends through time yet again. She sheds a single tear and he kisses her gently on the forehead, all the while Coldplay provides the soundtrack (I seriously just guessed Coldplay and then I looked up the movie's soundtrack and, sure enough, fucking Coldplay is on the soundtrack for real!). No matter what happens as he travels through time, even if he get's raped by a dinosaur or robbed at gunpoint by a naked W.C Fields, he will come back to her. This movie makes us see that true love transcends the boundaries of time. It's a powerful film experience that you might never forget.

This is all speculative, by the way. I haven't seen and will never see the movie because it isn't about them betting on sport events from the future.

Yo, fuck this movie, yo.

Summer Del Muerte-Tribute to the Overlooked

This recent rash of celebrity deaths has hit us all pretty hard, leaving our world just a little less famous than it was before the summer began. A summer which I have dubbed the "Summer Del Muerte"tm.It seems as if every day someone we all know and love (not personally) is dying and it's getting hard to keep track of everyone that's perished. We all know that the King of Pop, Ed McMahon died, but a lot of less notable celebs also kicked the farm and were totally overshadowed by the really, really famous people, like Billy Mays and all those boxers. I will now attempt to give some of them their due. While the media and the general public may have, I haven't forgotten you, nobodies.

June- The Cruel Summer Rears It's Ugly,Killing Head

Dr. Michael Vincent O'Brien may not have ever moonwalked (possibly), but what he did do was train race horses in his native Ireland. In 2003 he was voted the greatest influence in horse racing history, according to a worldwide vote hosted by the Racing Post newspaper (and Wikipedia, lest you think I researched any of this shit). The guy trained six horses to win the Epsom Derby, which sounds like an important event for horse racing. His death, on June 1st at the age of 92, got the morbid month of June off to a slow but steady start, as it looks to overtake Daddy's Cinnemon Dancer and Black-Eyed Nellie for the lead.

Kai Lai Chung was a Chinese born American Mathematician who passed away on June 2nd, also at the age of 92. His contributions to the modern probablitly theory made him famous the world over and also got him laid..A LOT. So much so that during one of his famous marathon sex romps, Chung once lost count of how many women he had partaken in throughout the course of that particular cocaine and stochastic integration-fueled night . Which of course, citing Chung's status as a great mathematician, can easily be categorized as impressive.

Omar Bongo Ondimba was a man born with a really great name that I will forever be glad to have stumbled across while writing this blog. He was also a man that was born to lead, as he was the president of Gabon from 1967 until his untimely death from a heart attack on June 7th, 2009. Gabon is a country in West Central Africa. It is also country that now mourns the loss of their president, Omar Bongo Ondimba. Godspeed, Omar Bongo Ondimba.

Peter Brereton Townsend (6 April 1928 - 7 June 2009) and Dusty Rhodes ( May 13 1927- June 17 2009) were a socioligist and an old timey baseball player, respectively, but collectively, they were 2 guys who's deaths may have caused some initial confusion due to the more famous men similarily named Pete Townshend and Dusty Rhodes. Fear not, fans of the Who and pro wrestling alike, the Pete Townshend and Dusty Rhodes you know and love are both still alive and well. Sociology and old timey baseball fans, I'm sorry for your loss.

June 25th will forever be known in the annals of history as the day Michael Jackson, arguably the most famous person to ever do anything, shockingly died at the age of 50. It was also the day that Farrah Fawcett, who was considerably less famous, died at 62, which was sadly overshadowed by Jacko fading to blacko. Even worse, Western fiction author Don Coldsmith also died on that same day at the age of 83, with word of Farrah Fawcet's death completely eclipsing news of his passing. Not to be outdone (which I guess he was), Kentucky Poet Laureate James Baker Hall expired on June 25th as well, news of which was sadly overshadowed by the death of Don Coldsmith. A sad, vicous cycle indeed.

July- The Death March Marches Forward March

In an unbelievable coincedence, the first of the month took away from us yet another elderly horse trainer, as Takayoshi Yasuda, a Japanese jockey and horse trainer died on July 1st at the age of 89. You can't make this shit up! And even if you could, why would you?

On July 5th, retired pro wrestler Waldo Von Erich died at the age of 75. Though he portrayed Fritz Von Erich's brother, Waldo was not actually related to the famously doomed wrestling family. Yet, you can't help but feel that he might have gotten hit with some of the shrapnel from the curse of the Von Erich family, even if he died at the relatively old age of 75. Watch your back, Lance Von Erich (who, for non-wrestling fans who might read this, was unrelated by blood to the Von Erichs, but pretended to be a 3rd cousin or something in the ring. Sorry for the obscure wrestling reference.)

Dallas R. McKennon died on July 14th at the ripe old age of 89. Working as a voice actor, McKennon was the voice for Gumby, Archie, and a host of different Disney characters. He also looked kinda terrifying, if you ask me, sorta like a murderous drifter or hobo.
Maybe it's best he mainly did voiceover work.

Lastly, I shine the spotlight of death on one Henry William Allingham, who was the oldest verified living man,until he died at the age of 113 on July 18th, at which point he was stripped of the title for obvious reasons.

This super supercentenarian served in both World Wars, lived through like, 59 Presidents, and was able to see Harrison Ford blossom into a leading man right before his very eyes. He also probably had to live through the deaths of countless friends and family members (and Michael Jackson), which has to be a bit of a bummer. He credited "cigarettes, whisky and wild, wild women – and a good sense of humour" for his longevity, which really seems to be the cliche, hackey thing for all these old fucks to say. Couldn't he have just been honest and admitted that he only drank water, never smoked, and hadn't encountered any "wild, wild women" since the late 1950's ? People who actually live like that die in their early 40's, not at the age of 113. I don't mean to speak ill of the dead, but Henry William Allingham might have been full of shit.

As this gruesome summer continues, hopefully the death toll of the famous will stop rising. We need famous people alive and well, so that we have something to strive for- the hope that we may one day walk past a famous person on the street and then text a friend about it (i.e "OMG I just saw Jon Lovitz on the strt!!!!")

Hopefully, August will be kinder.

Misawa's Death Makes Me-sad-a

Pro wrestlers are a lot like the goldfish that are in plastic bags that you win at a carnival- they die early and often. You may be psyched on them at first, but don't grow too attached. Those goldfish will more than likely be belly up an hour or two after you get home, probably from a steroid related heart attack. Don't go buying a giant fish tank or anything.
Japanese wrestling legend Mitsuharu Misawa died on June 13th, 2009, after taking a backdrop suplex in a match. Original reports indicated that Misawa died of a heart attack, but it was later shown to have been from spinal damage. Misawa was easily one of the greatest wrestlers of all time- his career spanned nearly 3 decades and in that time, he had countless legendary matches and was one of the most influential and important Japanese wrestlers ever. Nowhere is that influence more obvious than in Pro Wrestling NOAH, the company he started in 2000 following his departure from All-Japan Pro Wrestling, the place where Misawa made his name throughout the 80's and 90's. Misawa was considered the "ace" of All-Japan during the 90's, racking up 5 star matches like a billiards player might rack up pool balls (terrible metaphor).
When he left All-Japan, there was a mass-exodus of wrestlers following Misawa to NOAH. Pro Wrestling NOAH became the place to see former All-Japan mainstays like Misawa, Kenta Kobashi, and Jun Akiyama, as well as some of the most exciting young wrestlers to ever come out of Japan (KENTA, Naomichi Marufuji, Takeshi Morishima, and Go Shiozaki, just to name a few) and visiters from other parts of the world (but mainly just the U.S and England). On a personal note, Pro Wrestling NOAH was the first Japanese wrestling company that I took a really big interest in, mostly because it looked like the guys really kicked the shit out of each other there. Misawa also influenced many wrestlers across the globe with the hard hitting style he helped pioneer. Misawa revolutionized pro wrestling, not just in Japan, but in general. There will never be another wrestler like him.

He also looked a little like a Japanese Gary Shandling.
At least I always thought so.

Anyway, Misawa accomplished a lot during his time as a wrestler and then he died at the ripe old age of 46. Needless to say, that is way too young. I also always thought he was almost 60 or something. Clearly, getting dropped on your head and suffering multiple concussions for decades on end ages you drastically. Oh, and then I guess it kills you. Misawa wasn't the first wrestler to die really young this year (former WWE wrestler Andrew "Test" Martin died in March at the age of 33; later that same month, Mexican star Abismo Negro passed away at 37) and he probably won't be the last.
To quote Cam'ron, from a pivotal scene in his classic movie, "Killa Season", "It's an epidemic in my hood, B."
I'm a huge, lifelong fan of pro wrestling. I watch it a lot and go to wrestling shows on a fairly regular basis. People may look down on it or call it "fake", but I could give a shit. At it's best, pro wrestling is an awesome spectacle to behold. I appreciate it the way a film buff might appreciate "Citizen Kane" or "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever". A really great match is like fine art to me or better yet, like an aged bottle of fine wine. I'm all like "I'll take some Flair vs. Steamboat '89, room temperature, please". I enjoy it immensely. I'm not a loser. I just know it.
If there's one thing about it that I can't enjoy, it's the really high death rate. Watch any random WWF show from the 80's or 90's (fuck it, even the early part of this decade)and you'll find a disturbing amout of guys who are now dead on the card (you can even make it a drinking game, if you want). Chances are they died before or not long after they turned 40. Shit's fucked up.
I don't like how watching wrestling can be a grim, morbid affair at times. Things must change.

It should also be noted that old timey boring wreslers like Verne Gagne and Lou Thesz lived well in to their 80s, while exciting, fun-to-watch guys like Eddie Guerrero, Owen Hart, and now Misawa died young (from various different circumstances). So, from a purely selfish standpoint, I want nothing to change! Besides, who needs dumb goldfish anyways!!!


Just kidding.
Things really do need to change. Maybe wrestle in football helmets? I don't know.

I'm going to go watch some wrestling.

A Dark Day To Be A Fan Of Great Things

It was 4 am when I picked up the phone, which had been ringing frantically in my study for over an hour. At first, I thought it was part of the dream I was having about climbing a ladder made entirely of spaghetti. I ignored it as I gleefully climbed each saucy rung. However, I would soon realize the ringing phone was not part of the dream and it would prove to be the cold, clammy hand of despicable reality, cruelly and violently jostling me awake.

It was my friend, Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D, a man I have known for well over 4 decades. Alan usually calls me on the weekends to discuss college basketball and our mutual disinterest in it. I was surprised to hear his gentle, calming voice on a tuesday morning. I could immediately tell something was wrong when he appeared to be softly weeping when I asked him why he was calling.
Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D- "Andy...are you sitting down?"

Me (Andy)- "Yes, old friend, I am sitting on the burgundy leather sofa in my study. Now, I say you, out with it"

Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D-"Andy...ABC cancelled "According To Jim."

Me (Andy)- "woah....I think I need to sit down." (I had lied to him about sitting down)

Much like being on the receiving end of a crippling jab to the solar plexis from a prize fighter, the announcement today that Jim Belushi's near perfect sitcom "According To Jim" was to be no more rendered me weakened, saddened, and doubled over in pain, wretching. What a dark day to be a fan of great things. Now I know how Plato's widow must have felt.

"According To Jim" gave us eight wonderous seasons of comedic missteppery and life affirming heartlessons (a term I coined inspired by the show). I had always thought that they could have given us at least 30 more seasons, with an 84-year old Jim Belushi leading the charge into a fantastic final season in 2039. The potential for multiple spin-offs was clearly omnipresent-a show based around Jim's portly co-conspirator, Andy, would have been gangbusters for certain. Alas, it is not to be. "According To Jim" has prematurely gone gently into that good night. Now, the show will forever be the delectable souffle that didn't rise to it's true potential and was discarded callously by an uncaring French master chef.
The uncaring French master chef in question? The American Broadcasting Company, or as it's better known in most circles, ABC.
Riddle me this, ABC. If you are, in fact, the "American" Broadcasting Company, how did you so terribly misread the wants and needs of the American people by canceling the most beloved show in the history of this great country? I don't care what the ratings were; "According To Jim" was everyone in America's favorite show, whether they watched it every week or not. Knowing that it was there for them to watch if they so desired was enough. Knowing that after a tough day, Jim Belushi's flannel shirted chest was there to nestle their collective heads into was the comfort this country needed to make it though another trying week out there. Now, without it, I don't know how much longer we got. A pox upon you, so-called "American" Broadcasting Company!
On the bright side, we will always have the syndicated re-runs to keep us laughing. Until the end of time, future generations can enjoy classic episodes, such as season 4's legendary "The Mustache" ( A hot delivery girl gives Jim some fashion advice, prompting him to grow a mustache, which Cheryl hates. Cheryl retaliates by becoming a brunette - but Jim loves it. After a chance meeting with the girl, Cheryl asks her to give Jim suggestions that will make him look ridiculous.) or the cleverly titled and hilarious season 5 tour-de-force, "Antec-Don'ts" (Cheryl, upset that Jim thinks her daily anecdotes are boring, steals Dana's story about meeting Oprah. Jim, now determined to out-do Cheryl, makes up a story about his construction office catching fire. But when Cheryl take the kids to see the damage, Jim and Andy, who are scrambling to make it look authentic, end up setting a real fire). If you're like me, reading these actual plot summaries of real episodes of "According To Jim" will make you realize how badly ABC blew it by canceling this great show. According to Andy, this is indeed a dark, dark day.

Hey! You! Did you know...? The Insane Conspiracy Theory Edition

- The swine flu outbreak was started by the government to take attention away from the economic crisis. Ok, dig this- We as a people were really starting to get up in arms about the recession that's going on, right? So, the powers that be decided to cause some kind of distraction to take our minds off of it so they can continue bailing out banks and flying Air Force Ones around New York City without us getting pissed off about it and overthrowing them (believe you me, that's the last thing they ever want ever!). Next thing you know, there's a swine flu outbreak in Mexico and it's all over the news. That made me pretty suspicious enough already, like "Why is this even on the news?"(sometimes things are planted in the news to get our attention or plant a seed of thought fyi). Then, like, 2 days later, the swine flu is all over America killing people? Get the fuck out of here, man. The swine flu "just so happened" to spread that quickly. Yeah, ok. We know the truth!!
Bullfucking shit there's some shit like that happening right now all on it's own. The government sent out agents who had the swine flu strain on them to Mexico first. Once there, they started infecting people (possibly people viewed as "persons of interest" by the gov.) with the dreaded flu. Then, it was off to the USA again to do it again. Now it was time then to plant more stories in the news about. it Now, it's the biggest thing going on the news and in the papers. But what about the recession, something that was affecting us severely our ability to support ourselves about a week ago? Taking a hike to the back of the paper, near the Jumble and Ziggy, that's fucking where!! Think about it people- we get worried about the swine flu (that they started), we forget about what we were worried about before it, while our defenses are down, they do whatever they want regarding the previous big worry, sooner or later we come back to our senses and when we start thinking "Hey, whatever happened to that recession? " And at that exact moment, that's when they got their way, man , because we had already forgot about it to begin with because of the swine flu, man. We were too busy protecting ourselves from or thinking we already had the swine flu to see what they were doing. They could have been letting Bernie Madoff out of jail for all we know! Geez!
So, take the surgical mask off your mouth and the blinders off your eyes while you're at it, too, dumbass..because that's whats really going on.

River City Ransom- A Video Game I Like Just Fine

I'll never forget the time I got the Nintendo game River City Ransom from my uncle for Christmas in the early-90's. When I opened the wrapping, I was dumbfounded by this game-I had never heard of it before. He could have made it himself in his garage for all I knew at the time (I later found out it was a widely available and popular game and he, in fact, did not make it himself).
Upon first glance at the cover, I deducted that it was probably a game about two Italian guys, possibly brothers- one wielding a steel pipe, the other about to do that "Fuck you" hand gesture thing- rumbling with a bunch of other guys who also were wielding steel pipes outside of River City High School. Steel pipe wielding was a clear theme here, as far as I could tell. Also, it looked as if River City Ransom was set in the 1950's, so there might be some drag racing and Broadway-style dance numbers taking place as well. Maybe MIDI versions of Four Seasons songs as the soundtrack? I was about to find out!
As it turned out, I was kinda wrong. Like with most Nintendo game box covers, the beautiful art work was very misleading. River City Ransom took place in present day River City (presumably in either New Jersey or Japan), where "two friends named Alex and Ryan were on a mission to rescue River City High and Ryan's girlfriend Cyndi from the clutches of a villain called 'Slick'. Along the way, they battle with gangs of students (with names such as 'The Generic Dudes' or 'The Frat Guys') and several bosses and sub-bosses "(Wikipedia). In other words, they run through town and battle thousands of gang members, with names like Harry, Ralph, Barry, and Trip. How did I know their names? Well, after you beat the living shit out of them, the bottom of the screen shows their last words, kinda like subtitles in a fancy foreign movie. They would say things like "Give my love to Dolores and Trip Jr.. Tell them I was just trying to find a better way for us". Just kidding. They would usually only be saying "BARF!", which might have meant they were projectile vomiting because you just caved their ribs in with your rapid fire karate kicks.
Another thing that was fun about this game was the option to go into different stores along the way and buy food and drinks so you would have the energy to continue constantly running and fighting. You could even pay to take a shower, which lead to the best homoerotic moment of male nudity in a Nintendo game ever!

The best things you could buy, however, were new fighting moves. Apparently, River City had stores that just sell the ability to do complex karate moves, like Dragon Feet (really fast karate kicks that made guys barf really hard), Stone Hands (same deal, but with punching, and not nearly as cool) and Acro Circus (a lame-ass running somersault that sucked dick). I wish there were really stores that you could go into and just buy immediate prowess in martial arts and gymnastics. Rest assured, if such stores exsisted, I would have backflipped and hadukened my way out of one years ago.
River City Ransom might have been a poor man's Double Dragon to some (let's refer to them as wrong-ies), but to me, it's far better in every way possible (except for the lack of fighting on helicopters). I had never heard of this game before I got it, but it wound up being one of my very favorite video games of all time. I once beat it, too (with the help of Game Genie, but so what, fuck you). If you can, go back in time to your childhood and tell your uncle to buy you this for Christmas (and, if applicable, tell him to stop molesting you). You won't regret it. BARF!

New Artwork For Sale!

Due to the overwhelming popularity of my Freddy Krueger piece, I've created 2 more paintings that should prove to be of equal or lesser popularity!
"The Misfits Skull Guy Relaxes In His Hammock On His Day Off"- 2009

Being the instantly recognizable logo for a world famous punk band sure can be exhausting. No one knows that better than the Misfits Skull Guy, seen here in this beautiful painting enjoying a lazy summer Saturday in the backyard of his suburban New Jersey estate. He's lounging care free in his hammock, at his side is a cold glass of iced tea,the radio playing the Steve Miller Band (he doesn't actually care for the Misfits music all that much). His ghoulish eyes are getting rather heavy as he drifts off into a well deserved afternoon nap. He needs to rest up, as he has a long week ahead of adorning countless articles of clothing and assorted other knickknacks available for purchase at Hot Topic, as well as multiple tattoos on Henry Rollins alone.
This gorgeous painting, done with only the finest MS Paint, is suitable for framing and can be yours for $1,500. Contact me via this blog for buying info.
"Ernie Flips Off The Paparazzi Outside Of A Sesame Street Jamba Juice"- 2009

Ernie loses his cool at paparazzi hounding him while he attempts to enjoy a Mango-a-go-go from a East Sesame Street Jamba Juice. After a long day of doing voiceovers for a Sesame Street computer game ("Elmo's Cabana Madness", due out January 2010), Ernie lets the irritating flashing cameras get to him, prompting this classic outburst and subsequently, this amazing piece of artwork. Get it for the Sesame Street fan of all ages in your family for only $2,000. Contact me via this blog for buying info.

Birthday Party Massacres- A New Kind of Killer

No, this isn't a review of an album by some terrible emo band or something- I'm writing today about actual massacres at birthday parties. Like this one, for example-

"A child's birthday party in Oshawa, Ont., ended in horror when a man with a knife killed a mother and wounded her husband and two small children. Durham Regional Police later shot dead a suspect they had tried to arrest."

Or how about this party pooper -

"Kerby Revelus, 23, was shot dead after beheading his sister Bianca during her fifth birthday party, fatally stabbing his 17-year-old sister Samantha and wounding his nine-year-old sister Sarafina"

Pin the tail on this one-

"Houston-A 17-year-old was at a birthday party off West Gulf Bank at Veterans Memorial around 8pm. Authorities say while he was there he was shot and killed. According to HPD, several people heard the shots but no one saw what happened."

Who's ready for cake? Murder cake, that is-

"A 21-year-old Fort Worth man was convicted today in the shooting death of a 5-year-old girl and her grandmother during a 2008 birthday party in southeast Fort Worth. A Tarrant County jury deliberated about four hours before convicting Erick Davila in the death of Queshawn and Annette Stevenson during an April 6, 2008, shooting spree at the Village Creek Town Homes in the Stop Six neighborhood."


These are just some of the many birthday party killings that have occurred within the past year alone. Birthday parties are supposed to be sacred celebrations, filled with fun, friends and red solo cups containing all the generic cola you can drink. Not to mention the delicious cake of the ice creamed and non-ice creamed variety. Now, birthday parties have become the place for horrible murders and brutal family slayings to unfold. Instead of candles being blown out, people are being blown out of living*. Why is this happening?

Dr. Timothy Crews thinks he knows the reason why. "The floral icing found on most birthday cakes can be linked to why people kill at birthday parties" he says. "It's way too sugary sweet and it really messes with the chemicals in people's brains once ingested"

Alright, I'm sorry, I didn't actually speak to any doctors for this story. There is no Dr. Timothy Crews (well, there was an old baseball player named Tim Crews who was on the Dodgers in the '80's). I just wanted to seem like a big shot. The part about the icing is made up also, so don't worry about eating a piece of birthday cake that has a lot of it on there (I even think I was subconsciously trying to scare people away from floral icing so I would have an easier time getting a piece with a lot of flowers on it next time I was at a birthday party, which is also really, really selfish of me).
It's just that I read articles in the newspaper sometimes and they have quotes from doctors and police officers and it just looks so cool, so professional. I want to be a writer at a big newspaper someday is all and well, they get quotes like that all the time. I thought I could try to do the same thing and I blew it by lying. I hope you can still read this blog with a sense of trust in my writing. If not, I understand, because I fucked that up BIG time. Once again, I apologize for hurting anyone or wasting anyone's time.

*I'm also sorry for this sentence. It's horrible.

The Adventures of Lance Maxim- The 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth

I now present my first ever stab at writing science fiction. Hope you enjoy!

The Adventures of Lance Maxim- The 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth

Solitude. Crippling solitude.
As I stalk out the far reaches of this lonely vessel Earth, it's hard for me to fathom that I, Lance Maxim, am the 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth!

Solitude. Ugly, unflinchingly abusive and crippling solitude.

It seems as if it were only yesterday this great planet was practically swarming with fellow human inhabitants, going about their everyday lives- kissing their loved ones goodbye and going to work, eating a panini for lunch, working out at the gym, hanging out with their friends and watching the game, coming home to their families, going to sleep at a reasonable time, just being human, damn it all!- and now here we are, merely one day later, one scant 24 hour passage of time later- and they're all pretty much doing the same thing.

Oh, God, how could you let this happen!

I walk through town, marveling at the sheer horror of it all. At one time, this town was a bustling epicenter of human activity- cars of all shapes and sizes zoomed along the streets, people converged upon busy stores and markets, children played happily in the park. Now, stuff nearly identical to the aforementioned things are happening right before my eyes and will not not happen ever again.
Oh, God. Please, God. No. Not like this.

I found myself standing in front of an empty building that once was a Blockbuster. I stared sadly through the window into the now empty store- this once was a grand icon of mankind's infinite pursuit of joy, a place where families could come to strengthen their bonds and rent celluloid wonders such as "Bangkok Dangerous" and "Wild Hogs". Not anymore. What stood before me was a ghastly spectre, mocking me, the window casting forth a pitiful reflection of a ruined man (myself, Lance Maxim). I broke down sobbing against the glass, as my body crumpled into a heap on the cold concrete. It was at that moment I noticed a piece of paper taped to the door. I picked myself up and fixed my gaze upon the Times New Roman size 24 font that coldly stated the following- "Coming Soon- Dress Barn".
It was simply too much to take.

Solitude. Venerial disease carrying, fat, gross, and crippling solitude.

I finally forced myself to leave. Not long after, I stopped at a Panera Bread and had a Asiago roast beef sandwich. It was pretty good.
I often wonder what I did to deserve my cruel fate. Everything I once knew is mostly still here. All my friends are not dead. I will not never talk to any of my family ever again. Everything has not changed. All I can do now is move forward, drifting hopelessly through this world that isn't really a shell of it's former self.

I am Lance Maxim- The 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth

Coming Soon- Part 2- "A Friend?............... yeah, actually, that's my friend, Russ"

Had They Never Died

Many of our favorite celebrities have died young, leaving us to wonder what could have been. Using my hitherto unknown paranormal psychic abilities, I will now shed some light on what would have been for those famous dead people that left us too soon (instead of lingering around so we could grow tired of them and wish they would just go away).

John Candy(1950-1994)-Sensing that his movie career was stalling a bit after the failure of "Wagons East" at the box office, John Candy probably would have made his long-awaited leap to sitcoms. The show would have been called "Kid In A Candy Store" and would have been a key part of the ABC 1994 fall line-up. In "Kid In A Candy Store", John Candy would play "John Candy", a working class stiff from Chicago who, in the pilot episode (entitled "Much Ado About Bluffin''"), wins big in a high stakes card game, quits his job at an auto parts factory, and moves to Hollywood in order to find fame, fortune, and romance. Making the journey with John would be his slow-witted but lovable co-worker from the factory, "Tommy" (played by Christopher Lloyd) and his wiseacre 13-year old orphaned nephew, "Gus" (played by some kid). Candy soon finds out that life in Hollywood is a far cry from the Windy City, even though he's now trying harder not to get blown away!! With all the beautiful women, fast cars, big movie studios and overall temptation that Tinsel Town has to offer, John Candy soon finds out that he is just like a "Kid In A Candy Store"!
"Kid In A Candy Store" would last for one season before getting axed. The show started strong, debuting in the Nielson Top 20, but lost viewers week by week as word of the shows mediocrity spread. Even the addition of Sandy Duncan as Candy's new girlfriend, "Bernice" and an animated dog named "Larry" did nothing to boost ratings. Rumors of it returning as a mid-season replacement would turn out to be just that: rumors. Many attributed it's cancellation to lack of viewers caused by poor writing , while Candy would publically blame "the Frasier juggarnaut" (the show "Kid" was up against in the same time slot) and "that fag Iger" (Robert Iger, the then president of ABC Television) for the low ratings in a controversial interview in Variety Magazine.
He would then return to the silver screen and make 10 more "Uncle Buck" movies, making it the highest grossing movie franchise ever.


...and that's what would have happened had John Candy never died.

What Does My Dream Mean?

The other night I had an unusual dream. I was at a hardcore show...that was taking place entirely inside the above ground swimming pool in my backyard. Everyone in attendance was in the water, swimming around or moshing, even the band, which for some reason only consisted of a guy with a microphone, screaming over a pre-recorded tape of a beatdown-style metalcore band (which kinda sounded like Hatebreed or Sworn Enemy). When I asked him where the rest of the band was, he arrogantly responded, " For those of you who don't already know, the rest of the band couldn't make it, so stop asking me about it already". He felt the need to say this on the microphone too, even though I was 3 feet away from him, in the same above ground swimming pool. He was a total dick.

Despite his shitty attitude, the show was pretty awesome. Due to being submerged in water, I became way more agile and acrobatic than I could ever hope to be on dry land. I was busting out underwater somersaults and handstands during the breakdown parts, while during the fast parts, I was Jackie Chan-running along the wall of the pool in the circle pit (which caused a fun little whirlpool of sorts to occur.) Being in water also made it hard to do the mosh moves that are staples of hardcore shows, like the windmill or picking up change, but it didn't really matter. Who needs those when you can just playfully splash one another?
There were at least 8 or 9 other people in the audience and we were all really into it. We also made sure to show pool scene unity to each other. When someone would fall to the bottom of the pool, we would pick them back up so they wouldn't potentially drown in the 4 ft. of water. We also made sure to help anyone that got water up their nose, because that's a really uncomfortable feeling. The show in my dream was a really good time. It showed that the above ground pool hardcore scene is still alive and well in 2009!

Of course, it was just a weird dream and like most dreams, I couldn't make sense of this one at all. I went to a dream interpretation website and put the term "above ground swimming pool moshing" into it's search engine. I guess it was way too specific, because it yielded no results. So, I narrowed the search down to the word "pool". I got this explanation- "To see a pool of water in your dream indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past." I guess that makes sense. Too often I don't give enough thought to why I feel a certain way or just wait to get over whatever it is that's bothering me. I need to work on that- or "dive right in", as it were. As for "washing away the past", I definitely should really let go of any negative feelings or grudges from my past and just start anew. Start living in the now while thinking about the future. It all made sense. But why the hardcore show? I couldn't find any answers for that ( please feel free to speculate and add your own interpretation as a comment). Maybe it's just because I think it's a funny idea. I guess my dreams are turning into comedy skits or something. It did make for a memorable dream, however. 95% of my dreams are completely forgotten as soon as I wake up. I woke up from this particular dream wondering what it meant and eager to seek out an explanation.

Oh, the bed was also totally drenched in urine.

"Challenging Really Popular Celebrities To Fights" Part 1

Hey, Bill Murray, you fucking asshole,

I hope this doesn't get "Lost In Translation", but I want to fight you. I don't like you or that show you had on Comedy Central where you and your less famous brothers played golf. It was a terrible show. You may have been the main character in the popular movie "Scrooged", but soon you're going to be the main character in the unpopular (for you) real-life scenario, "Punched", because I plan on punching you in your instantly recognizble face. What about that, Mr. "What About Bob"? Your popularity may span the past 30 years, with fans of all ages and a long list of very funny movies, but that's not going to stop me from bashing your head into a bike rack (oh, we're gonna be fighting in a parking lot. I forgot to mention that.) Much like how you were the voice of Garfield in the Garfield films, I'm going to be the voice of pain that you won't even be able to hear, because your ears will be swollen shut from a thunderous series of haymakers.

While I'm viciously assaulting you, you're going to be hoping for me to have a "Quick Change" of heart, but you'll soon learn that a tiger doesn't change his "Stripes", because I will not relent. You'll wish that the paramedics "Rushmore" to the scene of the beating, but you can bet your "Meatballs", that they won't want to see the "(brief but hilarious part in) Little Shop of Horrors" I unleashed upon your pummeled body with my "Ghostbusters 1 & 2", (which are my nicknames for my fists), my "The Royal Tennenbaums" (which is what I call my elbows), or my "Not Ready For Primetime Players During the Brilliant Early Years of Saturday Night Live" (my feet). "Owwww, "The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou", you'll manage to gurgle out from your coagulated blood covered mouth, " I guess I really was "The Man Who Knew Too Little." You'll say that before collapsing to the ground, like how "Broken Flowers" might collapse to the ground because of their unsteady base. You'll probably hope that it won't be like the plot of one of my all time favorite movies of yours, "Groundhog Day" and you won't have to repeatedly experience this kind of intense thrashing every single day of your life until you have an important change of heart. Not even "Charlie's Angels" will save you! (Good call on stepping out of the sequel to that piece of shit, btw. Dodged a bullet there.) As a matter of fact, it'll be such a"Caddyshack" of "The Darjeeling Limited", not even "Osmosis Jones" will "Kingpin" "Where the Buffalo Roam" "Coffee and Cigarettes" "Tootsie" and "City of Ember".

You douchebag.

Hey, Murray, remember when you were in "Space Jam" and you played Michael Jordan's friend? Well, don't expect me to be at all similar to that character when it comes to my friendship to you, because we're not friends, capiche? You may easily be one of the most popular SNL cast members ever, with incredible longevity and influence on a whole generation of comedic actors, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking to punch you in the solar plexis with brass knuckles or throw your unconcious body down a flight of stairs. I can't wait to kick your teeth in, Bill Murray, you hilarious man.
See you then,
Andy*



* Just to avoid the incredibly slim chance of any potential legal ramifications, I'm not really looking to fight or assault Bill Murray. He's hilarious.

Advice For Kool Kidz

Kids are people, too. I feel that gets forgotten from time to time in this crazy world we live in. I don't think enough people try to talk to kids on their level and give them the important advice they'll need to succeed in the future. One day, we'll rely on them to take care of us and make sure the world is a better place. I believe the children are our future and we should teach them well and let them lead the way. That's why I'm using this space to talk to them now and impart upon them some of what I've learned over the course of my life. Kids should only have the best teachers when it comes to the school of life.
So take a hike, adults!! This one is for kool kidz only!!

- Stay in school! School may seem lame and boring now, but it's a good way to prepare you for the long string of lame and boring shit that will dominate the majority of your sad and largely unfulfilling life during the rest of your days upon this wretched mortal coil. At the very least, try to make sure your mom packs good snacks in your lunch, like Doritos or Snack Packs. Oh, and don't hang yourself.

- When it comes to totally rad modes of transportation, vans are like low-flying space ships- only a lot more fun! You kids out there might recognize vans as the box shaped vehicle riding slowly by the playground or following you from a distance as you walk home from school. Don't let any of that weird stuff fool you- vans are just impossibly shy and really want to be your bestest friend! Next time you see one, give it a big hug (as long as it's not in motion at the time) and climb inside through it's sliding fun door-because inside a world of wonderous enchantment and magical good times awaits you, complete with awesome candy, super fun video games, and only the cutest puppies and kittens. The man (or men) inside will be your friendly guides on your journey to a land of LOL fun, where cool ringtones and the cast of High School Musical will be sure to greet you. Riding in a van is like being in a real life Disney Channel on wheels! Remember kids, when it comes to vans, the more tinted the windows and spraypainted over the license plate number, the better!

- Girls- always try to be really, really pretty. You'll find that most folks just like that better.

- Don't do drugs! But if you wind up doing them, try to get high and find out which old movies sync up the best with which classic rock albums. I heard the Wizard of Oz goes really good with "Dark Side of the Moon" if you start the album right when the MGM Lion roars before the first scene of the movie. Hey, maybe Citizen Kane syncs up with "Electric Ladyland"? Well, we won't know for sure unless you get high and try it out. Get to it!

Hey! You! Did you know..?- The First Installment Edition

If you've followed this blog thus far, you've probably noticed the complete lack of content with any kind of educational merit whatsoever. That's why I've decided (thanks majorly in part to a generous grant from the Chubb Group) to every once in a while make this blog a place for enlightenment and smarten-in' up with a series of entries I will be calling "Hey! You! Did you know..?". This way, in between reading about race car beds or whatever the fuck is on here, you can learn a thing or two about a thing or two. You may even learn three whole things! My hope is that your brain will learn uncontrollably while you laugh uncontrollably!* (*WARNING- I am not to be held responsible for any sort of neurological disorder, aneurysms, or hemorrhaging caused by your brain uncontrollably learning.)

- Hey! You! Did you know that there was a United States president named Andrew Johnson? "Wait a minute", you say, I must mean Andrew Jackson, right? Wrong! I'm talking about Andrew Johnson, ya big douchebag! Just kidding!! We're actually on the same playing field with this one. Funny enough, I thought the same thing about presidents named Andrew with a J-last name when my girlfriend brought up Andrew Johnson the other night. I had never heard of president Johnson before. Well, I had heard of A president Johnson before- Lyndon B. Johnson. I mean, c'mon, everyone knows about good ol' LBJ. Yet, somehow, Andrew Johnson has flown under my radar, along with other presidents with really unfamilar names like Franklin Pierce or John Tyler. Let's be honest- if you're gonna claim you've heard of a president Pierce before, I'm gonna claim that you're both full of shit and a liar.
I probably didn't know Andrew Johnson because he had the unenviable task of succeeding Lincoln after he was assassinated. Following Lincoln must be like following Eddie Murphy if you were a stand up comedian in the 1980's. He is also considered to be one of the worst presidents ever, being the first U.S president to be impeached. So, clearly, I was better off not knowing about this jerk off. He sounds like a total dick. He also looks like he smelled bad. I realize that everyone smelled bad back in the 1800's, but Andrew Johnson really, really stunk like shit. Fuck you, 17th President of the United States, Andrew Johnson. You may have a name that sounds very close to a better president that I've heard of, but that's where the similarities end.

-Hey! You! Did you know that Tauragė is an industrial city in Lithuania and the capital of Tauragė County? You didn't know that? How could you not at this point? Open a fucking book every once in a while. It's not gonna kill you. Christ.

Perez Hilton

Many of us today know of internet gossip columnist, Perez Hilton. His website, perezhilton.com, garners millions of hits daily for serving up salacious celebrity news, accompanied by photos that Perez doodles over with his witty take on the story. Seen here is Hilton's scathing take on troubled, woman-beating R+B singer, Chris Brown.
Here, Hilton takes on controversial, drug addicted songstress, Amy Winehouse-
Perez Hilton has become quite the lightening rod for controversy, all the while becoming the top source for "celebrity gossip/ crude MS paint scrawlings on photos" on the internet.

However, what many people don't know is that Hilton just blatantly stole his entire style from Juan D. Rockerfeller, the most infamous gossip maven of the 1800's. Rockerfeller's column, the Ballyhoo Quotidian, was syndicated nationally, appearing in many now-defunct newspapers such as the New York Mirror, the Charleston Tribune, Gleason’s Pictorial Drawing Room Companion, and the Old Timey Times. He reported on all the hot gossip of the day- much of it having to do with political figures, actors of the stage, and local scoundrels and roustabouts- and used a similar style of photo doodling . Here is an example of Rockerfeller's slanted take on our 16th President, Abraham Lincoln-
Juan D. Rockerfeller was also known to often take it to the newsmaking women of the day as well, such as first lady, Dolly Madison-

So, as you can see, Perez Hilton stole everything from Juan D. Rockerfeller.

Son of Wacky Death Metal Album Captions!

Here they are, back by overwhelming public demand- Wacky Death Metal Album Captions!! (While I do acknowledge that some of these albums aren't really even death metal, I must also acknowledge that my renderings on them are, in fact, wacky.) Look! (click to enlarge)




Hey, if any publishing company wants to make a ton of money, hire me to make a book of these. I just know it would "move a lot of units"(industry speak for "sell a lot of something"). I'm almost positive I made this up and it's a 100% original idea. If someone did do this before me, however, they probably sucked hard at it and weren't hilarious, whereas I am really hitting my stride and knocking 'em out of the park! Interested publishers can contact me via the blog and we can talk turkey! Then we can negotiate a price. *re-used joke rimshot*
Anyone??