British Bulldogs and American Wigglecats

Anyone who knows me knows that I love pro wrestling. I watch it all the time, attend live wrestling shows on a regular basis, and 80% of anything I say is a wrestling reference of some sort, Mean Gene (there was one right there). Now that I have a blog that I've been writing in regularly for the past week or so, I'm going to use it as my forum to occasionally talk some 'rasslin'. Starting........NOWSo, when I was around 4 years old, my family took a trip to Disney World. When we were in boring fucking Epcott Center, we went into a gift shop that was selling little flags of all the countries of the world. My brother and I both picked the same flag.Was it for Italy or Ireland, places where our family had roots in? No. Was it for the good old USA, where we R.O.C.K'd in all the time? Nuh-uh, plus I think everyone has an American flag already. Maybe we picked a Bosnia and Herzegovina flag, yeah, that was it. No fucking way! We got the Union Jack for England, son! The only reason we both picked it- we loved the WWF tag champs at the time, Davey Boy Smith and the Dynamite Kid, collectively known as the British Bulldogs.The British Bulldogs were so awesome. I watch matches now and am floored by them, so you could only imagine how it was for little me then. I wanted to meet them and be friends with them so badly. Of course, little did I know that they were both apparently mean spirited jerk-offs in real life and Dynamite probably would have headbutted me in the face while Davey Boy threw me head first into a brick wall if I had even approached them for an autograph. But who cares? Watching the Bulldogs wrestle teams like the Hart Foundation and the Dream Team or just merely destroy jobbers were some of my fondest early wrestling memories. One thing that will always haunt me is never owning the Bulldogs LJN action figures (pictured at the top of the blog). Easily, the worst part of my childhood.
Dynamite Kid was probably the best wrestler in the world at the time and I loved his snap suplex and diving headbutt. Years later, I finally saw Dynamite's pre-British Bulldogs series of matches with the original Tiger Mask in Japan and witnessed the groundwork for the light heavyweight wrestling of years to come being layed down. Dynamite Kid was a key influence for a lot of wrestlers that came to prominence in the 90's and 2000's (most notably, Chris Benoit, who idolized Dynamite Kid. He would later out-scumbag Dynamite Kid by killing his family, but that's a whole other story.) and every wrestling fan should own some sort of Dynamite Kid best-of tape or DVD.
Davey Boy Smith was the powerhouse of the team and would go on to become one of the most popular wrestlers in the world in the decade to come. He adopted the moniker of the British Bulldog and stuck around the big leagues while Dynamite retired due to mounting injuries (It should also be noted that Dynamite hated his real life cousin Davey because of this and I don't think they ever spoke again). He became a top singles wrestler in the WWF and WCW and at one point sported weird braided hair extensions that would fall off and be strewn about the mat during his matches. Davey Boy was in some of the greatest matches of the 90's, including his Summerslam '92 Intercontinental title win over his brother -in-law Bret Hart in front of a rabid crowd of his countrymen in London's Wembley Stadium.
Now, sadly, Dynamite Kid is confined to a wheelchair somewhere in England and Davey Boy Smith died in 2002 at only 39 years of age. When I watch the British Bulldogs wrestle separately or as a team, I try to block the sad, sad fate of the British Bulldogs out of my mind. You kinda have to do that a lot if you watch wrestling, try not to think of what's to come for some of the guys that are on your screen at that moment. The British Bulldogs are a big reason I love pro wrestling now. They were a great tag team.
-On a much lighter note, I drew this picture of my girlfriend's cat Wiggles using that graffiti feature on Facebook. Wiggles is a cute cat and I think I really captured that with my artwork here. Courtney said it looked like a spider, but those are 2 legs and a tail. If Wiggles is reading this, check out my artisitic rendering of you. I hope you like it!

Andy-torials

I now present some op-ed pieces, written by yours truly.
To quote one of my least favorite Descendents songs ever, "Enjoy, my good friends, enjoy!".

-During a wedding ceremony, I think that the bride and groom should be separated by a 6 ft. hero sandwich. The sandwich would sit on a table right in front of the reverend. It can be any kind of hero sandwich they want- Italian BMT, turkey club, maybe even 6 feet of chicken parm or Philly cheese steak. In order to kiss each other, the newlyweds would have to each eat their way through their respective side of the sandwich. I realize that in most cases the groom will be able to eat more, so it's all about who can get to who first. They don't have to meet in the middle or anything. I think this would enhance the overall fun at a wedding because the families and friends assembled to watch the sacred union of man and woman (or man and man, or woman and woman, or woman/woman/woman and man/man) can really get into cheering them on. They can wear foam fingers, if so desired. When one finally eats through enough sandwich to kiss their significant others oregano, oil, and vinegar caked lips, that's when the marriage is made official. I think for most people (i.e not fatasses), this would take a lot of love and dedication. I mean, that's a lot of sandwich to eat. This would be a good, no, this would be the best way to prevent a future divorce.
- Altered Beast for Sega Genesis was a pretty great game, despite advocating steroid abuse. You see,the character you play as gets more and more jacked every time he takes some kind of weird floating orb, until he fully transforms into a super ripped manimal, hence the name "Altered Beast". In a way, that's what happens when you take steroids, minus the part where you turn into a musclebound wolf or bear. I believe this game influenced a lot of kids to roid up in the early 90's. Besides that, this game was just really creepy and bizarre. I have no idea why Sega decided this crystal meth nightmare turned video game was a good choice to come free with the Sega Genesis bundle back in the day. I did put in a lot of hours playing it when I was younger, so they must have known something. I often wondered what the actual plot was, so I did some good old fashioned copy and pasting and found out!
"Altered Beast is a side scrolling, platform, beat 'em up game that puts the player in control of a centurion who had died in battle. The centurion has been raised from the dead to rescue Zeus' daughter, Athena. The player battles undead and demonic hordes, controlling the shapeshifting hero. He must fight through several levels in order to save the kidnapped goddess."- wikipedia.

Ohhh. That's what I always thought it was about. Well, until next time, "POWER UP"!!

Pestilence- "Malleus Maleficarum"- An album I like just fine

Everybody go buy this album! "Malleus Maleficarum"(it looks like "Mallevs Maleficarvm" for some weird reason on the cover, but I assure you it's not) by the Dutch death metal band Pestilence changed my life forever. I came across it in a cassette bargain bin at a Coconuts maybe 5 years ago and got it along with 2 other tapes for 2 bucks or so. It quickly got lost in the shuffle because I purchased it alongside this-

"Hulk Rules" by Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band. This album also changed my life forever, but for different reasons. It made me want to start my very own "Beach Patrol" because I really like to "party party party". Plus, if "Hulkster in Heaven" doesn't make you sob uncontrollably, then you don't have a heart, brother.
Back to the Pestilence album- I might have briefly listened to it and thought it sounded like some ok old death metal, but overall I thought nothing of it. Besides, who listens to tapes anyway? I really just wanted the awesome Hulk Hogan album.
Fast forward to about a year ago when I found myself with no CD player in my car and I had to sadly resort to listening to tapes again. There I was, driving in my car in 2008, listening to the same NOFX and Fugazi tapes I listened to on my walkman when I was a douchebag high school freshman. I bet at the time I didn't think I would still be listening to tapes over 10 years later. I probably thought I would be listening to some kind of hologram of NOFX playing live, beamed out to me on my spaceship. I really thought that in the future everything would be a hologram. I also thought that we would be flying around in spaceships by now. As you can see, I didn't accurately predict the future at all.
One day, on my way out the door, I rifled through a bag of my old tapes, looking for some killer tuneage. I found the Pestilence tape and decided to give it another go. I threw it in the ol' tape deck and promptly found myself on the receiving end of a vicious full metal pummeling, care of a criminally overlooked 1988 death metal gem. This album should be held up on a skull shaped pedestal with the likes of "Reign In Blood" and "Slaughter of the Soul" when it comes to great extreme metal albums. Songs like "Subordinate to the Domination" and "Bacterial Surgery" should be regularly on the radio and featured in Guitar Hero. I might be pushing the praise way into overdrive here, but I just really like this album.
Pestilence put out a few other albums and then broke up in 1993. In early 2008, they announced their reunion and they are set to play the Maryland Death Fest later this year. I won't be there, mostly because the thought of 3 days of crazy death metal and grindcore amongst a flock of men with huge hipster beards is slightly offputting to me, but I guarantee I will be there in spirit. I'm sure that means the world to the Pest' (the nickname I gave the band). "Malleus Maleficarum" is the best album that has a name I can't even pronounce and it changed my life forever.

Of Hamburgers and Harrowing Happenstance

When I was in the 6th grade, I had the McDonald's Arch Deluxe and thought it was really great. I actually might have thought it was the best thing I had ever eaten up until that point. If you don't remember the Arch Deluxe or just didn't get a chance to eat it during the time it was around, it was a burger that was on a soft roll or something. I don't remember much about it, to be honest. Then, it was gone. Forever. McDonalds never brought it back. It was pretty popular and caused quite a stir at the time too, yet not enough to warrant a comeback. Why not? I would like to try it again and see if I was onto something when I was in the 6th grade. My tastes were still developing as I was blossoming into a young man and it's totally possible that I might have thought something mediocre was really great. I listened to the band Soul Asylum and watched shows like Blossom around that time too. However, there's a good chance that I reached the pinnacle of my food consumption in 1993 and I've been chasing the dragon ever since. I really just want an Arch Deluxe and some Crystal Clear Pepsi to wash it down. Someone get me those things on Ebay somehow, Thanks.

Today I went to pick up my girlfriend, Courtney, to go get some bagels. As we were leaving her house, I slipped on a patch of ice on her front steps  and came crashing down violently. I let out a groan of intense agony as I hit the steps, with my back and tushy absorbing a great deal of the thunderous impact. With pain etched into every contour of my cherubic face, I feared the worst from this pain journey from my feet to the treacherous icy steps below. Oh, the great pain and discomfort I was enduring! What I would not give to be transported back in time to moments earlier to avoid this non-comedic prat fall by merely choosing a different path down said front steps. I would have really preferred being transported to the not too distant future, wherein I would be enjoying a bagel, not the hurt croissant I was ingesting at that instant. Instead, I was left licking my wounds and cursing the bad hand dealt to me by the cruelest of cruel fates. In all honesty, I kinda wish I was a different guy who had maybe been walking down the street as I was falling and was able to see it happen. I bet it looked and sounded really, really funny. The guttural sound I made alone was prolly worth a chuckle. I'm happy to report that I'm feeling fine now, except for my elbow. When someone gets me the Crystal Clear Pepsi, I'm going to ice my elbow with the can before I drink that 15 year old soda.

I've decided that going forward on this blog,  I'm going to pick random years and write about them. First up-1989! I figure that having some themes would be nice.  1989 blog cumming soon!! (I'm also going to try to make the blog sexier, hence the way I spelled coming "cumming". Every bit counts.)

Cock,

Andy

NOT-y dreads for white people

I was at a show last night (the Muffs and the Leftovers at Maxwells) and I noticed a potentially alarming trend coming back from it's mid-90's grave. There were at least 5 white people in attendance sporting dreadlocks. Some had dreads that were interlaced with curly-ish hair atop their noggins, some had full on Bob Marley dreads going on- all looked like douchebags. Had I been at Bonnaroo or Hullabalooza or a head shop, I probably would not have thought much of it. Yet, I was at a pop-punk show, so it caught me a bit off-guard. 5 out of 100 or so people at this show were white and had dreadlocks. Dreadlocks on a white person is a universally terrible looking thing. I know that white people who like reggae or maybe white people aspiring to look like squatter punks might be drawn to the dreadlocks, but it's a look that only has one pay off for Caucasions worldwide- you look annoying. Like you're a member of Korn or Vanilla Ice when he did his gangsta rap album in like, 1992, or worse, a hippie that smokes a lot of pot and smells like a potent combination of patchouli oil and ripe armpits . I guess growing dreads when you're white comes with the territory of smoking a lot of weed. All in all, I totally condemn this look and hope that what I saw last night was just a coincidence. In closing, people are free to have any kind of hair they choose, just don't EVER EVER have dreads EVER if you're white EVER, motherfucker.

The Name of This Band Is GG Allin Thicke

Hello, friends. I now have a blog. I decided that the best place to get in on hot trends is at the ground floor and here I am now- at the ground floor of the blogging phenomenon!! I just signed in with the concierge and now it's time to hit the button to summon the elevator that I will be riding to the penthouse suite at the top of the internet! (Of course, all of this is meant in a metaphorical sense- I am in my house, not some kind of fancy hotel. I am wearing green sweat pants).







Anyways, pictured here is G.G Allin. He was a rather notorious punk rock performance artist who built a crazy reputation for himself of being a fucking lunatic right up until his timely death in 1993 of a drug overdose. According to what some guy somewhere said on wikipedia, "Allin is best remembered for his notorious live performances that typically featured wildly transgressive acts such as Allin defecating and urinating onstage, rolling in feces and often consuming excrement (coprophagia), committing self-injury, performing naked, taunting people to perform fellatio on him and committing violent actions toward the audience—often doing many of these things more or less simultaneously". He also made music, but that's probably the least important part about him. He was crazy and defintely set the bar for any shit-eating, on- stage-masturbating, being-violent-towards-the-audience rock n' roll crooner for years to come.
Now, pictured here is beloved television personality Alan Thicke. According to what I know of him purely from memory, Alan Thicke (born March 1, 1947) is a Canadian actor, songwriter, game show host and talk-show emcee. He is best known for his role as Jason Seaver, the patriarch on the ABC television series Growing Pains. He is an icon of 1980's wholesome family sitcoms. He also wrote 2 of television greatest theme songs ever- Diff'rent Strokes and The Facts of Life, which are usually alternately playing on an endless loop in my head throughout the course of a day. To my knowledge he never taunted anyone to perform fellatio on him or rolled around in his own shit while filming Growing Pains, so as you can see, he is the antitheses of Mr. GG Allin. Well, really almost anyone who doesn't get on stage nude and piss and shit all over the place while performing bad punk rock is the antitheses of GG Allin,but the only reason I picked Alan Thicke here is because a few years ago I came up with what I thought was a really great band name- GG ALLIN THICKE.
GG ALLIN THICKE!!! You know that's pretty good, come on.
I was going to start this band with my friend Paul and, as you might imagine, it was going to be some sort of thrash/ grindcore type band that would have really short songs with long ,funny song titles. Kinda like Anal Cunt or Fall Out Boy. It never came to be and maybe that's not such a bad thing because long "funny" song titles have proven to be something that almost everybody hates now. I still haven't closed the book on the GG Allin Thicke band name. I would hate to see such an incredible name go to waste. If anyone wants to buy it from me, contact me via this blog and we can talk turkey. Then, we can negotiate a price. *rim shot*
I've been watching a lot of Andre the Giant matches lately. That's why his pictures up top there. I wish I could re-animate old Andre the Giant and bring him over unannounced to a friends house or something. Oh, well...
Bye for now