A Dark Day To Be A Fan Of Great Things

It was 4 am when I picked up the phone, which had been ringing frantically in my study for over an hour. At first, I thought it was part of the dream I was having about climbing a ladder made entirely of spaghetti. I ignored it as I gleefully climbed each saucy rung. However, I would soon realize the ringing phone was not part of the dream and it would prove to be the cold, clammy hand of despicable reality, cruelly and violently jostling me awake.

It was my friend, Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D, a man I have known for well over 4 decades. Alan usually calls me on the weekends to discuss college basketball and our mutual disinterest in it. I was surprised to hear his gentle, calming voice on a tuesday morning. I could immediately tell something was wrong when he appeared to be softly weeping when I asked him why he was calling.
Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D- "Andy...are you sitting down?"

Me (Andy)- "Yes, old friend, I am sitting on the burgundy leather sofa in my study. Now, I say you, out with it"

Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D-"Andy...ABC cancelled "According To Jim."

Me (Andy)- "woah....I think I need to sit down." (I had lied to him about sitting down)

Much like being on the receiving end of a crippling jab to the solar plexis from a prize fighter, the announcement today that Jim Belushi's near perfect sitcom "According To Jim" was to be no more rendered me weakened, saddened, and doubled over in pain, wretching. What a dark day to be a fan of great things. Now I know how Plato's widow must have felt.

"According To Jim" gave us eight wonderous seasons of comedic missteppery and life affirming heartlessons (a term I coined inspired by the show). I had always thought that they could have given us at least 30 more seasons, with an 84-year old Jim Belushi leading the charge into a fantastic final season in 2039. The potential for multiple spin-offs was clearly omnipresent-a show based around Jim's portly co-conspirator, Andy, would have been gangbusters for certain. Alas, it is not to be. "According To Jim" has prematurely gone gently into that good night. Now, the show will forever be the delectable souffle that didn't rise to it's true potential and was discarded callously by an uncaring French master chef.
The uncaring French master chef in question? The American Broadcasting Company, or as it's better known in most circles, ABC.
Riddle me this, ABC. If you are, in fact, the "American" Broadcasting Company, how did you so terribly misread the wants and needs of the American people by canceling the most beloved show in the history of this great country? I don't care what the ratings were; "According To Jim" was everyone in America's favorite show, whether they watched it every week or not. Knowing that it was there for them to watch if they so desired was enough. Knowing that after a tough day, Jim Belushi's flannel shirted chest was there to nestle their collective heads into was the comfort this country needed to make it though another trying week out there. Now, without it, I don't know how much longer we got. A pox upon you, so-called "American" Broadcasting Company!
On the bright side, we will always have the syndicated re-runs to keep us laughing. Until the end of time, future generations can enjoy classic episodes, such as season 4's legendary "The Mustache" ( A hot delivery girl gives Jim some fashion advice, prompting him to grow a mustache, which Cheryl hates. Cheryl retaliates by becoming a brunette - but Jim loves it. After a chance meeting with the girl, Cheryl asks her to give Jim suggestions that will make him look ridiculous.) or the cleverly titled and hilarious season 5 tour-de-force, "Antec-Don'ts" (Cheryl, upset that Jim thinks her daily anecdotes are boring, steals Dana's story about meeting Oprah. Jim, now determined to out-do Cheryl, makes up a story about his construction office catching fire. But when Cheryl take the kids to see the damage, Jim and Andy, who are scrambling to make it look authentic, end up setting a real fire). If you're like me, reading these actual plot summaries of real episodes of "According To Jim" will make you realize how badly ABC blew it by canceling this great show. According to Andy, this is indeed a dark, dark day.

Hey! You! Did you know...? The Insane Conspiracy Theory Edition

- The swine flu outbreak was started by the government to take attention away from the economic crisis. Ok, dig this- We as a people were really starting to get up in arms about the recession that's going on, right? So, the powers that be decided to cause some kind of distraction to take our minds off of it so they can continue bailing out banks and flying Air Force Ones around New York City without us getting pissed off about it and overthrowing them (believe you me, that's the last thing they ever want ever!). Next thing you know, there's a swine flu outbreak in Mexico and it's all over the news. That made me pretty suspicious enough already, like "Why is this even on the news?"(sometimes things are planted in the news to get our attention or plant a seed of thought fyi). Then, like, 2 days later, the swine flu is all over America killing people? Get the fuck out of here, man. The swine flu "just so happened" to spread that quickly. Yeah, ok. We know the truth!!
Bullfucking shit there's some shit like that happening right now all on it's own. The government sent out agents who had the swine flu strain on them to Mexico first. Once there, they started infecting people (possibly people viewed as "persons of interest" by the gov.) with the dreaded flu. Then, it was off to the USA again to do it again. Now it was time then to plant more stories in the news about. it Now, it's the biggest thing going on the news and in the papers. But what about the recession, something that was affecting us severely our ability to support ourselves about a week ago? Taking a hike to the back of the paper, near the Jumble and Ziggy, that's fucking where!! Think about it people- we get worried about the swine flu (that they started), we forget about what we were worried about before it, while our defenses are down, they do whatever they want regarding the previous big worry, sooner or later we come back to our senses and when we start thinking "Hey, whatever happened to that recession? " And at that exact moment, that's when they got their way, man , because we had already forgot about it to begin with because of the swine flu, man. We were too busy protecting ourselves from or thinking we already had the swine flu to see what they were doing. They could have been letting Bernie Madoff out of jail for all we know! Geez!
So, take the surgical mask off your mouth and the blinders off your eyes while you're at it, too, dumbass..because that's whats really going on.

River City Ransom- A Video Game I Like Just Fine

I'll never forget the time I got the Nintendo game River City Ransom from my uncle for Christmas in the early-90's. When I opened the wrapping, I was dumbfounded by this game-I had never heard of it before. He could have made it himself in his garage for all I knew at the time (I later found out it was a widely available and popular game and he, in fact, did not make it himself).
Upon first glance at the cover, I deducted that it was probably a game about two Italian guys, possibly brothers- one wielding a steel pipe, the other about to do that "Fuck you" hand gesture thing- rumbling with a bunch of other guys who also were wielding steel pipes outside of River City High School. Steel pipe wielding was a clear theme here, as far as I could tell. Also, it looked as if River City Ransom was set in the 1950's, so there might be some drag racing and Broadway-style dance numbers taking place as well. Maybe MIDI versions of Four Seasons songs as the soundtrack? I was about to find out!
As it turned out, I was kinda wrong. Like with most Nintendo game box covers, the beautiful art work was very misleading. River City Ransom took place in present day River City (presumably in either New Jersey or Japan), where "two friends named Alex and Ryan were on a mission to rescue River City High and Ryan's girlfriend Cyndi from the clutches of a villain called 'Slick'. Along the way, they battle with gangs of students (with names such as 'The Generic Dudes' or 'The Frat Guys') and several bosses and sub-bosses "(Wikipedia). In other words, they run through town and battle thousands of gang members, with names like Harry, Ralph, Barry, and Trip. How did I know their names? Well, after you beat the living shit out of them, the bottom of the screen shows their last words, kinda like subtitles in a fancy foreign movie. They would say things like "Give my love to Dolores and Trip Jr.. Tell them I was just trying to find a better way for us". Just kidding. They would usually only be saying "BARF!", which might have meant they were projectile vomiting because you just caved their ribs in with your rapid fire karate kicks.
Another thing that was fun about this game was the option to go into different stores along the way and buy food and drinks so you would have the energy to continue constantly running and fighting. You could even pay to take a shower, which lead to the best homoerotic moment of male nudity in a Nintendo game ever!

The best things you could buy, however, were new fighting moves. Apparently, River City had stores that just sell the ability to do complex karate moves, like Dragon Feet (really fast karate kicks that made guys barf really hard), Stone Hands (same deal, but with punching, and not nearly as cool) and Acro Circus (a lame-ass running somersault that sucked dick). I wish there were really stores that you could go into and just buy immediate prowess in martial arts and gymnastics. Rest assured, if such stores exsisted, I would have backflipped and hadukened my way out of one years ago.
River City Ransom might have been a poor man's Double Dragon to some (let's refer to them as wrong-ies), but to me, it's far better in every way possible (except for the lack of fighting on helicopters). I had never heard of this game before I got it, but it wound up being one of my very favorite video games of all time. I once beat it, too (with the help of Game Genie, but so what, fuck you). If you can, go back in time to your childhood and tell your uncle to buy you this for Christmas (and, if applicable, tell him to stop molesting you). You won't regret it. BARF!