Advice For Kool Kidz

Kids are people, too. I feel that gets forgotten from time to time in this crazy world we live in. I don't think enough people try to talk to kids on their level and give them the important advice they'll need to succeed in the future. One day, we'll rely on them to take care of us and make sure the world is a better place. I believe the children are our future and we should teach them well and let them lead the way. That's why I'm using this space to talk to them now and impart upon them some of what I've learned over the course of my life. Kids should only have the best teachers when it comes to the school of life.
So take a hike, adults!! This one is for kool kidz only!!

- Stay in school! School may seem lame and boring now, but it's a good way to prepare you for the long string of lame and boring shit that will dominate the majority of your sad and largely unfulfilling life during the rest of your days upon this wretched mortal coil. At the very least, try to make sure your mom packs good snacks in your lunch, like Doritos or Snack Packs. Oh, and don't hang yourself.

- When it comes to totally rad modes of transportation, vans are like low-flying space ships- only a lot more fun! You kids out there might recognize vans as the box shaped vehicle riding slowly by the playground or following you from a distance as you walk home from school. Don't let any of that weird stuff fool you- vans are just impossibly shy and really want to be your bestest friend! Next time you see one, give it a big hug (as long as it's not in motion at the time) and climb inside through it's sliding fun door-because inside a world of wonderous enchantment and magical good times awaits you, complete with awesome candy, super fun video games, and only the cutest puppies and kittens. The man (or men) inside will be your friendly guides on your journey to a land of LOL fun, where cool ringtones and the cast of High School Musical will be sure to greet you. Riding in a van is like being in a real life Disney Channel on wheels! Remember kids, when it comes to vans, the more tinted the windows and spraypainted over the license plate number, the better!

- Girls- always try to be really, really pretty. You'll find that most folks just like that better.

- Don't do drugs! But if you wind up doing them, try to get high and find out which old movies sync up the best with which classic rock albums. I heard the Wizard of Oz goes really good with "Dark Side of the Moon" if you start the album right when the MGM Lion roars before the first scene of the movie. Hey, maybe Citizen Kane syncs up with "Electric Ladyland"? Well, we won't know for sure unless you get high and try it out. Get to it!

Hey! You! Did you know..?- The First Installment Edition

If you've followed this blog thus far, you've probably noticed the complete lack of content with any kind of educational merit whatsoever. That's why I've decided (thanks majorly in part to a generous grant from the Chubb Group) to every once in a while make this blog a place for enlightenment and smarten-in' up with a series of entries I will be calling "Hey! You! Did you know..?". This way, in between reading about race car beds or whatever the fuck is on here, you can learn a thing or two about a thing or two. You may even learn three whole things! My hope is that your brain will learn uncontrollably while you laugh uncontrollably!* (*WARNING- I am not to be held responsible for any sort of neurological disorder, aneurysms, or hemorrhaging caused by your brain uncontrollably learning.)

- Hey! You! Did you know that there was a United States president named Andrew Johnson? "Wait a minute", you say, I must mean Andrew Jackson, right? Wrong! I'm talking about Andrew Johnson, ya big douchebag! Just kidding!! We're actually on the same playing field with this one. Funny enough, I thought the same thing about presidents named Andrew with a J-last name when my girlfriend brought up Andrew Johnson the other night. I had never heard of president Johnson before. Well, I had heard of A president Johnson before- Lyndon B. Johnson. I mean, c'mon, everyone knows about good ol' LBJ. Yet, somehow, Andrew Johnson has flown under my radar, along with other presidents with really unfamilar names like Franklin Pierce or John Tyler. Let's be honest- if you're gonna claim you've heard of a president Pierce before, I'm gonna claim that you're both full of shit and a liar.
I probably didn't know Andrew Johnson because he had the unenviable task of succeeding Lincoln after he was assassinated. Following Lincoln must be like following Eddie Murphy if you were a stand up comedian in the 1980's. He is also considered to be one of the worst presidents ever, being the first U.S president to be impeached. So, clearly, I was better off not knowing about this jerk off. He sounds like a total dick. He also looks like he smelled bad. I realize that everyone smelled bad back in the 1800's, but Andrew Johnson really, really stunk like shit. Fuck you, 17th President of the United States, Andrew Johnson. You may have a name that sounds very close to a better president that I've heard of, but that's where the similarities end.

-Hey! You! Did you know that Tauragė is an industrial city in Lithuania and the capital of Tauragė County? You didn't know that? How could you not at this point? Open a fucking book every once in a while. It's not gonna kill you. Christ.

Perez Hilton

Many of us today know of internet gossip columnist, Perez Hilton. His website, perezhilton.com, garners millions of hits daily for serving up salacious celebrity news, accompanied by photos that Perez doodles over with his witty take on the story. Seen here is Hilton's scathing take on troubled, woman-beating R+B singer, Chris Brown.
Here, Hilton takes on controversial, drug addicted songstress, Amy Winehouse-
Perez Hilton has become quite the lightening rod for controversy, all the while becoming the top source for "celebrity gossip/ crude MS paint scrawlings on photos" on the internet.

However, what many people don't know is that Hilton just blatantly stole his entire style from Juan D. Rockerfeller, the most infamous gossip maven of the 1800's. Rockerfeller's column, the Ballyhoo Quotidian, was syndicated nationally, appearing in many now-defunct newspapers such as the New York Mirror, the Charleston Tribune, Gleason’s Pictorial Drawing Room Companion, and the Old Timey Times. He reported on all the hot gossip of the day- much of it having to do with political figures, actors of the stage, and local scoundrels and roustabouts- and used a similar style of photo doodling . Here is an example of Rockerfeller's slanted take on our 16th President, Abraham Lincoln-
Juan D. Rockerfeller was also known to often take it to the newsmaking women of the day as well, such as first lady, Dolly Madison-

So, as you can see, Perez Hilton stole everything from Juan D. Rockerfeller.

Son of Wacky Death Metal Album Captions!

Here they are, back by overwhelming public demand- Wacky Death Metal Album Captions!! (While I do acknowledge that some of these albums aren't really even death metal, I must also acknowledge that my renderings on them are, in fact, wacky.) Look! (click to enlarge)




Hey, if any publishing company wants to make a ton of money, hire me to make a book of these. I just know it would "move a lot of units"(industry speak for "sell a lot of something"). I'm almost positive I made this up and it's a 100% original idea. If someone did do this before me, however, they probably sucked hard at it and weren't hilarious, whereas I am really hitting my stride and knocking 'em out of the park! Interested publishers can contact me via the blog and we can talk turkey! Then we can negotiate a price. *re-used joke rimshot*
Anyone??

Boss Sauce

The other night while flipping through the channels, I came across an episode of Family Matters on TV Land. Unfortunately for me, it was during a scene where beloved nerd character Steve Urkel and his "cool" alter-ego Stefan Urquelle were both on screen at the same time, through the magic of awkwardly executed mid-90's split screen. It wasn't that much unlike that photo at the top of the blog. Needless to say, I had to supress the urge to change the channel by angrily mashing my index finger into the numbers on the remote. I hate Stefan Urquelle.

Family Matters was a pillar of the ABC TGIF line-up, alongside shows like "Full House", "Step By Step" and a bunch of other terrible shit I inexplicably watched religiously growing up. I don't think I have to explain what Family Matters was all about for the 3 to 4 people who might read this. I do think it should have been called "The Steve Urkel Show", because he carried that show with his annoying voice and forced-upon-us-in-every-episode brand of physical comedy. Steve Urkel was supposed to be a one time only character on an otherwise boring-ass show. He stuck around and became it's most popular character, hands down. It wasn't even a competition. Had it been, Waldo Geraldo Faldo would be a very distant second, Carl and Eddie Winslow after that, maybe the grandma next,whatever, who gives a fuck anyway.
There were Steve Urkel dolls, breakfast cereal, and shirts. He was a cultural phenomenon. For kids in the 90's, he was our Vietnam and Woodstock rolled up into one African-American nerd package- he was Steve Urkel. He raced to the edges, embracing all extremes, creating a oneness. His oneness. One love. He wanted everything at the same time. Prophet. Soul rebel. "Did I do that?" man. Herbsman. Wildman. A natural, mystic man. Lady's man. Polkaman. Family man. Laura Winslows's man. Urkel Danceman. Showman. Shaman. Human. Urkelman. (I stole/paraphrased that whole last part from Bono's incredibly douchey speech from when he inducted Bob Marley into the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame in 1994 btw. Look it up. Marvel at my use of obscure reference points.)

So, anyway, it was an episode from later on in the show's run, when Steve would periodically turn into Stefan Urquelle. For those not familiar with the annoying character of Stefan Urquele, Wikipedia tells us that "Stefan Urquelle is the alter ego of Steve Urkel, also portrayed by White. While Urkel is clumsy and unpopular with the people around him, Urquelle is popular and suave, especially with women. Steve originally made the "transformation" to Stefan to woo Laura Winslow, who, as with other women encountered by Stefan, is enamored of the persona. Steve created a formula called "Cool Juice" to transform into Stefan. Originally, the effects of the transformation were only temporary; Stefan would change back into Steve after a certain amount of time (originally a week). In his first appearance, however, he was very narcissistic, cold-hearted, and shallow, which quickly turned Laura off. Laura decided she wanted the real Steve back because he, unlike Stefan, cared about others. Steve later improved the formula to limit the effects it had on his personality, and re-dubbed the formula "Boss Sauce". He also invented a "transformation chamber", which allowed him to turn into Stefan for extended periods of time. As the show went on, Steve enhanced the "Boss Sauce" even further, completely removing the change-over from Stefan back into Steve. Stefan could only change back into Steve by drinking an antidote."

I have long been a strong proponent of the theory that Jaleel White, who played Urkel, demanded that Steve should be a lot cooler and smoother and able to win over Laura Winslow, who he wanted to fuck in the worst way. Through a creative control clause put into his contract around the 3rd season or so, he came up with the idea of Steve becoming Stefan Urquelle and owning everyone's ass by being so cool all the time, easily winning over a now-smitten Laura. The writers on the show argued that it would ruin the popularity of the show by taking away Steve Urkel's nerdiness, which America embraced wholeheartedly. They reached a happy medium- Steve would only occasionally turn into Stefan by taking "Boss Sauce" (which may or may not be what Bruce Springsteen calls his cum). I believe this explanation to be entirely factual, partially because I came up with it, but also because it makes the most sense. Jaleel just wanted to play a cool guy on tv so girls would like him more in real life. He probably didn't get a lot of action at the time because they could only see him as the non-sexual nerd he played on Family Matters. No girl wants nerdy Steve Urkel. They want dashing, dynamic Stefan Urquele. Suave, sophisticated men with French sounding names will always beat Polka dancing, genius inventor nerds when it comes to vying for the hand of a young lady. It's a sad fact of life. That is why I hate Stefan Urquelle.

Looking back now, I can't believe I wrote that much about Steve Urkel. I could have written about anything else- pizza burgers, the Ultimate Warrior, that Octo-Mom crazy lady, Cam'ron, that blog about 1989 I said I'd write a while back, Amish Country, Slayer, more pizza burgers- and I chose to write a long essay about Steve Urkel and his stupid alter ego on a lame show from almost 20 years ago. Perhaps, Robert Frost had me in mind when he wrote-

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

See, I thought that including that was pretty deep. What I did there was I copied and pasted a really famous poem by a really famous poet that most people read for the 1st time when they're in the 6th grade . I don't know shit about poetry. That, my friends, is a classy way to close out a blog where I also wrote that Bruce Springsteen calls his cum "Boss Sauce".

A Special Andy-torial- Horror Movies

I really think I can count the horror movies I've seen in my lifetime on one hand. Just not that into horror films, I reckon. I've seen "They Live", which I'm not exactly sure is even a horror movie, "Evil Dead", "Return of the Living Dead", and probably something else I can't remember. I've seen bits and pieces of stuff on tv, including parts of a "Nightmare On Elm St.", which leads me to the beautiful piece of artwork I created today using the paint feature on my computer.
This one of a kind recreation of horror heavyweight Frederick Krueger is a must have for any creepy caper enthusiast or creature feature reacher!! Suitable for framing, this portrait of America's most beloved Tinseltown terror would look lovely adorning the wall of any home. This painting would look just as great on any of the following surfaces-cutsleeve t-shirts, blankets, coffee mugs, beer steins, shower curtains, beer cozies, satin jackets, punk rock bum flaps, glow-in-the-dark flags, black jean shorts, baseball caps, cloaks, frocks, clocks, floacks, Phil Ochs- the list is practically endless!!!! The potential for this rendering of (fictional) dream invading, child murderer Frederick Krueger is off the charts.
Now, I can already hear some of you naysayers out there- "I don't know about this painting, Andy. I'm afraid it's not for me. I don't like any of his scary movies. Plus, I prefer sexier, much more erotic artwork in my house". Well, say no more, friend- I've got you covered too!Order yours today!!!!!!

Life's not a race; so, why sleep like it is?

(pictured above- a race car bed)

I never had a race car bed when I was a kid. Not that I wanted one or anything. I'm just telling you that I didn't have one, ok? Shit.
Seemed like only kids you weren't really friends with had them. Somehow you would wind up invited to their house one day for their birthday party or something and you would see it, in all of it's glory-their very own race car bed, sitting there pompously in their immaculately clean room (probably cleaned by a maid, because they were also rich), with cool looking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sheets on it. Also in the same room- a Nintendo with all the Nintendo games your parents wouldn't buy you and all the GI Joe guys you didn't have.
(pictured above- An arrogant little fuck reading some shitty book in his fancy fucking race car bed, probably not appreciating how good he has it in life.)

It's never been proven that sleeping in a bed shaped like a race car helps you sleep any better. Just because it looks like a car, which are generally known to be very fast, it won't make you fall asleep any faster. I guess maybe if you have a nightmare, you can just drive away from the monster or whatever it is because you're sorta already in a car. Of course, this is all speculation, because I never had a race car bed. I just slept in a regular bed, which was just fine, god damnit. I'm not even complaining.

(pictured above- A cocky little asshole who thinks that he earned all of this cool shit on his own and therefore can make fun of other less fortunate kids who don't have race car beds with a model race car and an actual racing helmet on them. Unbelievable, the fucking nerve of this jerk.)

I actually feel bad for kids who had race car beds. It definitely had to slow down their overall development in life. A time probably came when their rich ponytail-having dad had to explain to them that the race car bed was going to the race car bed junkyard and a new, normal bed was taking it's place. The kid probably cried and took it hard, until his parents took him to Toys R' Us and bought him a Turbo Grafx 16 with like, 9 games because they were rich assholes from the late 80's, like the kind I grew up around and went to school with. I think even having a race car bed to begin with is a mistake. It's not like when you get older you sleep in a bed shaped like a town car or a cruiseship or a commercial plane- no, you sleep in a regular bed, like the kind I slept in as a kid and I turned out just fine. Not one ounce of bitterness in me at all. In closing, I don't know if magic exists, but if it does, I hope that some kid's race car bed somehow magically becomes a real race car while he's sleeping in it and promptly drives him straight into a brick wall.

Wacky Death Metal Album Captions!!!

I've been listening to a lot more metal lately. I especially have a fondness for death metal, the most brutal of the genre. I've always thought death metal album covers depicted some unusual scenes and wondered what exactly was going on in some of them. Well, by adding some wacky captions to them, I think I might be able to shed some light on the subject.


That sure was wacky. I hope you enjoyed it. It took me 17 hours to make.