Life's not a race; so, why sleep like it is?

(pictured above- a race car bed)

I never had a race car bed when I was a kid. Not that I wanted one or anything. I'm just telling you that I didn't have one, ok? Shit.
Seemed like only kids you weren't really friends with had them. Somehow you would wind up invited to their house one day for their birthday party or something and you would see it, in all of it's glory-their very own race car bed, sitting there pompously in their immaculately clean room (probably cleaned by a maid, because they were also rich), with cool looking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sheets on it. Also in the same room- a Nintendo with all the Nintendo games your parents wouldn't buy you and all the GI Joe guys you didn't have.
(pictured above- An arrogant little fuck reading some shitty book in his fancy fucking race car bed, probably not appreciating how good he has it in life.)

It's never been proven that sleeping in a bed shaped like a race car helps you sleep any better. Just because it looks like a car, which are generally known to be very fast, it won't make you fall asleep any faster. I guess maybe if you have a nightmare, you can just drive away from the monster or whatever it is because you're sorta already in a car. Of course, this is all speculation, because I never had a race car bed. I just slept in a regular bed, which was just fine, god damnit. I'm not even complaining.

(pictured above- A cocky little asshole who thinks that he earned all of this cool shit on his own and therefore can make fun of other less fortunate kids who don't have race car beds with a model race car and an actual racing helmet on them. Unbelievable, the fucking nerve of this jerk.)

I actually feel bad for kids who had race car beds. It definitely had to slow down their overall development in life. A time probably came when their rich ponytail-having dad had to explain to them that the race car bed was going to the race car bed junkyard and a new, normal bed was taking it's place. The kid probably cried and took it hard, until his parents took him to Toys R' Us and bought him a Turbo Grafx 16 with like, 9 games because they were rich assholes from the late 80's, like the kind I grew up around and went to school with. I think even having a race car bed to begin with is a mistake. It's not like when you get older you sleep in a bed shaped like a town car or a cruiseship or a commercial plane- no, you sleep in a regular bed, like the kind I slept in as a kid and I turned out just fine. Not one ounce of bitterness in me at all. In closing, I don't know if magic exists, but if it does, I hope that some kid's race car bed somehow magically becomes a real race car while he's sleeping in it and promptly drives him straight into a brick wall.