The other night while flipping through the channels, I came across an episode of Family Matters on TV Land. Unfortunately for me, it was during a scene where beloved nerd character Steve Urkel and his "cool" alter-ego Stefan Urquelle were both on screen at the same time, through the magic of awkwardly executed mid-90's split screen. It wasn't that much unlike that photo at the top of the blog. Needless to say, I had to supress the urge to change the channel by angrily mashing my index finger into the numbers on the remote. I hate Stefan Urquelle.
Family Matters was a pillar of the ABC TGIF line-up, alongside shows like "Full House", "Step By Step" and a bunch of other terrible shit I inexplicably watched religiously growing up. I don't think I have to explain what Family Matters was all about for the 3 to 4 people who might read this. I do think it should have been called "The Steve Urkel Show", because he carried that show with his annoying voice and forced-upon-us-in-every-episode brand of physical comedy. Steve Urkel was supposed to be a one time only character on an otherwise boring-ass show. He stuck around and became it's most popular character, hands down. It wasn't even a competition. Had it been, Waldo Geraldo Faldo would be a very distant second, Carl and Eddie Winslow after that, maybe the grandma next,whatever, who gives a fuck anyway.
There were Steve Urkel dolls, breakfast cereal, and shirts. He was a cultural phenomenon. For kids in the 90's, he was our Vietnam and Woodstock rolled up into one African-American nerd package- he was Steve Urkel. He raced to the edges, embracing all extremes, creating a oneness. His oneness. One love. He wanted everything at the same time. Prophet. Soul rebel. "Did I do that?" man. Herbsman. Wildman. A natural, mystic man. Lady's man. Polkaman. Family man. Laura Winslows's man. Urkel Danceman. Showman. Shaman. Human. Urkelman. (I stole/paraphrased that whole last part from Bono's incredibly douchey speech from when he inducted Bob Marley into the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame in 1994 btw. Look it up. Marvel at my use of obscure reference points.)
So, anyway, it was an episode from later on in the show's run, when Steve would periodically turn into Stefan Urquelle. For those not familiar with the annoying character of Stefan Urquele, Wikipedia tells us that "Stefan Urquelle is the alter ego of Steve Urkel, also portrayed by White. While Urkel is clumsy and unpopular with the people around him, Urquelle is popular and suave, especially with women. Steve originally made the "transformation" to Stefan to woo Laura Winslow, who, as with other women encountered by Stefan, is enamored of the persona. Steve created a formula called "Cool Juice" to transform into Stefan. Originally, the effects of the transformation were only temporary; Stefan would change back into Steve after a certain amount of time (originally a week). In his first appearance, however, he was very narcissistic, cold-hearted, and shallow, which quickly turned Laura off. Laura decided she wanted the real Steve back because he, unlike Stefan, cared about others. Steve later improved the formula to limit the effects it had on his personality, and re-dubbed the formula "Boss Sauce". He also invented a "transformation chamber", which allowed him to turn into Stefan for extended periods of time. As the show went on, Steve enhanced the "Boss Sauce" even further, completely removing the change-over from Stefan back into Steve. Stefan could only change back into Steve by drinking an antidote."
I have long been a strong proponent of the theory that Jaleel White, who played Urkel, demanded that Steve should be a lot cooler and smoother and able to win over Laura Winslow, who he wanted to fuck in the worst way. Through a creative control clause put into his contract around the 3rd season or so, he came up with the idea of Steve becoming Stefan Urquelle and owning everyone's ass by being so cool all the time, easily winning over a now-smitten Laura. The writers on the show argued that it would ruin the popularity of the show by taking away Steve Urkel's nerdiness, which America embraced wholeheartedly. They reached a happy medium- Steve would only occasionally turn into Stefan by taking "Boss Sauce" (which may or may not be what Bruce Springsteen calls his cum). I believe this explanation to be entirely factual, partially because I came up with it, but also because it makes the most sense. Jaleel just wanted to play a cool guy on tv so girls would like him more in real life. He probably didn't get a lot of action at the time because they could only see him as the non-sexual nerd he played on Family Matters. No girl wants nerdy Steve Urkel. They want dashing, dynamic Stefan Urquele. Suave, sophisticated men with French sounding names will always beat Polka dancing, genius inventor nerds when it comes to vying for the hand of a young lady. It's a sad fact of life. That is why I hate Stefan Urquelle. 
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
See, I thought that including that was pretty deep. What I did there was I copied and pasted a really famous poem by a really famous poet that most people read for the 1st time when they're in the 6th grade . I don't know shit about poetry. That, my friends, is a classy way to close out a blog where I also wrote that Bruce Springsteen calls his cum "Boss Sauce".
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