Culture of Douchebags

We're such a culture of douchebags. I always see commercials where someone's like "Yeeahhh...I don't know about that, hot shot" before grabbing a flatbread sandwich or loan application away from his dumber friend. When did we all get so sarcastic and douchey? And no, I'm not just using what I see in commercials as proof of this, you douchebag.

I'm also using what I've seen in other things on television as proof of this. Like many people, I saw the interaction between Kanye West and Taylor Swift unfold at this year's MTV Video Music Awards and I was horrified at the douchiness. Kanye West needs to stage crash an awards show every year to get a much needed boost to his self esteem and for Taylor Swift to not handle this with a better sense of humor really sickened me. She was being a douchebag by turning everyone against Kanye and his lovable antics. Anyone who shaves funny swirls into their head can't be that bad. All I know is I can name like, 20 Kanye West songs I've liked off the top of my head and that one Taylor Swift song is fucking terrible, so lay off of him already and let her get some of that backla....oh, wait, everyone forgot about this already. Nevermind.

The Juggalos of the Vegetable World

First and foremost, I would like to dedicate this blog to pro wrestling legend Captain Lou Albano, who passed away earlier this week. When I started watching WWF wrestling as a kid, Captain Lou Albano was my favorite manager. I had his action figure and I thought he was great, even though I'm still not sure what he was the captain of (I guess, theoretically, since he navigated the careers of so many wrestlers as their manager, he was kind of like a captain navigating a ship of sorts?)
Captain Lou transcended wrestling. Many non-wrestling fans remember him from his appearances in Cyndi Lauper's music videos and from playing Super Mario on the Mario Brothers cartoon show. I'll always remember him from what he taught me about not giving a fuck. I don't know if that's what he intended, but as a kid, that's how it came across to me. Want to wear a t-shit with an ugly caricature of yourself on it? Do it. Want to wear rubber bands on your beard and face at all times? Just go for it. Pierce your cheek with a safety pin? If Captain Lou can do it, then so can you. He taught me valuable life lessons I'll never forget. Thanks, Captain Lou Albano. RIP



So, I keep forgetting the password to sign in here to update this blog, which either speaks highly of how little I've "blogged" as of late, or how my memory is getting shittier. Probably both. Some quick motherfucking thoughts

- I like brussels sprouts. I've been into them (it?) for a while now, actually. I admit it's not the best tasting vegetable in the world, but I like eating them occasionally and why not, right? Who's gonna fuckin' stop me? You? C'mon, then. *spits on the ground* Pussy.

I feel like they've been unfairly stereotyped as being a shitty tasting food that parents force their kids to eat and are constantly made to look disgustingly gross by the media. I almost want to start an anti-defamation group for brussels sprouts, but then I feel like I would lose credibility when reporters would ask me what my favorite brussels sprouts recipes are, if I was the only kid on my block that liked to eat them, when I discovered that I loved them so much etc. and I would have to be like "Alright, guy, I don't like them THAT much. I just feel bad for them is all"
Pictured above- A big ol' heaping helping of brussel's spouts served in a fun wicker basket is a sure way to liven up your dinner table this holiday season! But don't make it like this picture. There's far too many gross ass brussels sprouts in there and that's probably going to make all your guests sick and ruin whatever holiday it is.

Also, on top of that, I just found out when I started writing this that the correct name for them is "Brussels sprouts". I always thought it was "brussel sprouts". So, as you can see, I'm no expert on the matter. More lost cred points. Yeah, it turns out that they were first found in Brussels in Belgium, hence the name "Brussels sprouts". I definitely would have included that "fun" fact in a pro-sprouts pamphlet if I ever were to start that group. You know, the brussels sprouts anti-defamtion group I was talking about. Like, from before.
Brussels sprouts are like the Juggalos of the vegetable world. They get no respect from anyone and nobody likes them. I guess those are the only reasons I would consider them the Juggalos of the vegetable world. There's no yearly Gathering of the Brussels Sprouts, but how could there be? Their right to assemble has been taken away by anti-brussels sprouts fascists . pictured above- The brussels sprouts of the music world

Give those brussels sprouts another chance, everybody. I swear they're not horrible. They're actually not bad. Not as bad as they're supposed to be, that is.

Writer's Block, Van Halen etc.

I've been trying all night to write this blog's version of Van Halen's first record, but every time I tried, I wound up getting closer to writing this blog's version of the shitty album with the guy from Extreme on vocals, "Van Halen III". In non-Halen terms, I've been trying to write something that's really funny and good that people might enjoy reading, but I can't come up with jackshit. I wonder if this is how Van Halen felt when they were working on one of their earlier albums. What did they do for inspiration? Did David Lee Roth practice mid-air splits while Michael Anthony looked at his Jack Daniels bottle shaped bass, admiring it? Did Eddie and Alex Van Halen reminisce about their childhood in the old country, about how far they came from when they were so poor they had to eat their own hair for dinner(maybe)? Whatever they did, they came up with some solid rock albums back then. But how? What possessed them?

Oh, wait, they probably did a lot of coke. That's it.

I also wonder if this is how they felt when they were working on the shitty album with the guy from Extreme on vocals.They probably didn't even care to get inspired. They were already rich and famous so the hunger was no longer there. There was no real sense of effort here at all. It's clear when you listen to it or even look at the album cover. It's a fucking stock photo with the name of the album lazily placed on the cannon. They didn't even use a cool looking font . What is that anyway, times new roman? I've seen Van Halen bootleg covers with more effort put into them than that.
So, moving forward with my writing, my mantra will be "More Van Halen I, Less Van Halen III". You can do this with any band, really. "More Master of Puppets, Less St. Anger","More Cracked Rear View, Less Fairweather Johnson" and so on. I hope it will yield some better results in the near future.