Advice For Kool Kidz

Kids are people, too. I feel that gets forgotten from time to time in this crazy world we live in. I don't think enough people try to talk to kids on their level and give them the important advice they'll need to succeed in the future. One day, we'll rely on them to take care of us and make sure the world is a better place. I believe the children are our future and we should teach them well and let them lead the way. That's why I'm using this space to talk to them now and impart upon them some of what I've learned over the course of my life. Kids should only have the best teachers when it comes to the school of life.
So take a hike, adults!! This one is for kool kidz only!!

- Stay in school! School may seem lame and boring now, but it's a good way to prepare you for the long string of lame and boring shit that will dominate the majority of your sad and largely unfulfilling life during the rest of your days upon this wretched mortal coil. At the very least, try to make sure your mom packs good snacks in your lunch, like Doritos or Snack Packs. Oh, and don't hang yourself.

- When it comes to totally rad modes of transportation, vans are like low-flying space ships- only a lot more fun! You kids out there might recognize vans as the box shaped vehicle riding slowly by the playground or following you from a distance as you walk home from school. Don't let any of that weird stuff fool you- vans are just impossibly shy and really want to be your bestest friend! Next time you see one, give it a big hug (as long as it's not in motion at the time) and climb inside through it's sliding fun door-because inside a world of wonderous enchantment and magical good times awaits you, complete with awesome candy, super fun video games, and only the cutest puppies and kittens. The man (or men) inside will be your friendly guides on your journey to a land of LOL fun, where cool ringtones and the cast of High School Musical will be sure to greet you. Riding in a van is like being in a real life Disney Channel on wheels! Remember kids, when it comes to vans, the more tinted the windows and spraypainted over the license plate number, the better!

- Girls- always try to be really, really pretty. You'll find that most folks just like that better.

- Don't do drugs! But if you wind up doing them, try to get high and find out which old movies sync up the best with which classic rock albums. I heard the Wizard of Oz goes really good with "Dark Side of the Moon" if you start the album right when the MGM Lion roars before the first scene of the movie. Hey, maybe Citizen Kane syncs up with "Electric Ladyland"? Well, we won't know for sure unless you get high and try it out. Get to it!