River City Ransom- A Video Game I Like Just Fine

I'll never forget the time I got the Nintendo game River City Ransom from my uncle for Christmas in the early-90's. When I opened the wrapping, I was dumbfounded by this game-I had never heard of it before. He could have made it himself in his garage for all I knew at the time (I later found out it was a widely available and popular game and he, in fact, did not make it himself).
Upon first glance at the cover, I deducted that it was probably a game about two Italian guys, possibly brothers- one wielding a steel pipe, the other about to do that "Fuck you" hand gesture thing- rumbling with a bunch of other guys who also were wielding steel pipes outside of River City High School. Steel pipe wielding was a clear theme here, as far as I could tell. Also, it looked as if River City Ransom was set in the 1950's, so there might be some drag racing and Broadway-style dance numbers taking place as well. Maybe MIDI versions of Four Seasons songs as the soundtrack? I was about to find out!
As it turned out, I was kinda wrong. Like with most Nintendo game box covers, the beautiful art work was very misleading. River City Ransom took place in present day River City (presumably in either New Jersey or Japan), where "two friends named Alex and Ryan were on a mission to rescue River City High and Ryan's girlfriend Cyndi from the clutches of a villain called 'Slick'. Along the way, they battle with gangs of students (with names such as 'The Generic Dudes' or 'The Frat Guys') and several bosses and sub-bosses "(Wikipedia). In other words, they run through town and battle thousands of gang members, with names like Harry, Ralph, Barry, and Trip. How did I know their names? Well, after you beat the living shit out of them, the bottom of the screen shows their last words, kinda like subtitles in a fancy foreign movie. They would say things like "Give my love to Dolores and Trip Jr.. Tell them I was just trying to find a better way for us". Just kidding. They would usually only be saying "BARF!", which might have meant they were projectile vomiting because you just caved their ribs in with your rapid fire karate kicks.
Another thing that was fun about this game was the option to go into different stores along the way and buy food and drinks so you would have the energy to continue constantly running and fighting. You could even pay to take a shower, which lead to the best homoerotic moment of male nudity in a Nintendo game ever!

The best things you could buy, however, were new fighting moves. Apparently, River City had stores that just sell the ability to do complex karate moves, like Dragon Feet (really fast karate kicks that made guys barf really hard), Stone Hands (same deal, but with punching, and not nearly as cool) and Acro Circus (a lame-ass running somersault that sucked dick). I wish there were really stores that you could go into and just buy immediate prowess in martial arts and gymnastics. Rest assured, if such stores exsisted, I would have backflipped and hadukened my way out of one years ago.
River City Ransom might have been a poor man's Double Dragon to some (let's refer to them as wrong-ies), but to me, it's far better in every way possible (except for the lack of fighting on helicopters). I had never heard of this game before I got it, but it wound up being one of my very favorite video games of all time. I once beat it, too (with the help of Game Genie, but so what, fuck you). If you can, go back in time to your childhood and tell your uncle to buy you this for Christmas (and, if applicable, tell him to stop molesting you). You won't regret it. BARF!