Andy-torials

I now present some op-ed pieces, written by yours truly.
To quote one of my least favorite Descendents songs ever, "Enjoy, my good friends, enjoy!".

-During a wedding ceremony, I think that the bride and groom should be separated by a 6 ft. hero sandwich. The sandwich would sit on a table right in front of the reverend. It can be any kind of hero sandwich they want- Italian BMT, turkey club, maybe even 6 feet of chicken parm or Philly cheese steak. In order to kiss each other, the newlyweds would have to each eat their way through their respective side of the sandwich. I realize that in most cases the groom will be able to eat more, so it's all about who can get to who first. They don't have to meet in the middle or anything. I think this would enhance the overall fun at a wedding because the families and friends assembled to watch the sacred union of man and woman (or man and man, or woman and woman, or woman/woman/woman and man/man) can really get into cheering them on. They can wear foam fingers, if so desired. When one finally eats through enough sandwich to kiss their significant others oregano, oil, and vinegar caked lips, that's when the marriage is made official. I think for most people (i.e not fatasses), this would take a lot of love and dedication. I mean, that's a lot of sandwich to eat. This would be a good, no, this would be the best way to prevent a future divorce.
- Altered Beast for Sega Genesis was a pretty great game, despite advocating steroid abuse. You see,the character you play as gets more and more jacked every time he takes some kind of weird floating orb, until he fully transforms into a super ripped manimal, hence the name "Altered Beast". In a way, that's what happens when you take steroids, minus the part where you turn into a musclebound wolf or bear. I believe this game influenced a lot of kids to roid up in the early 90's. Besides that, this game was just really creepy and bizarre. I have no idea why Sega decided this crystal meth nightmare turned video game was a good choice to come free with the Sega Genesis bundle back in the day. I did put in a lot of hours playing it when I was younger, so they must have known something. I often wondered what the actual plot was, so I did some good old fashioned copy and pasting and found out!
"Altered Beast is a side scrolling, platform, beat 'em up game that puts the player in control of a centurion who had died in battle. The centurion has been raised from the dead to rescue Zeus' daughter, Athena. The player battles undead and demonic hordes, controlling the shapeshifting hero. He must fight through several levels in order to save the kidnapped goddess."- wikipedia.

Ohhh. That's what I always thought it was about. Well, until next time, "POWER UP"!!