A Dark Day To Be A Fan Of Great Things

It was 4 am when I picked up the phone, which had been ringing frantically in my study for over an hour. At first, I thought it was part of the dream I was having about climbing a ladder made entirely of spaghetti. I ignored it as I gleefully climbed each saucy rung. However, I would soon realize the ringing phone was not part of the dream and it would prove to be the cold, clammy hand of despicable reality, cruelly and violently jostling me awake.

It was my friend, Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D, a man I have known for well over 4 decades. Alan usually calls me on the weekends to discuss college basketball and our mutual disinterest in it. I was surprised to hear his gentle, calming voice on a tuesday morning. I could immediately tell something was wrong when he appeared to be softly weeping when I asked him why he was calling.
Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D- "Andy...are you sitting down?"

Me (Andy)- "Yes, old friend, I am sitting on the burgundy leather sofa in my study. Now, I say you, out with it"

Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D-"Andy...ABC cancelled "According To Jim."

Me (Andy)- "woah....I think I need to sit down." (I had lied to him about sitting down)

Much like being on the receiving end of a crippling jab to the solar plexis from a prize fighter, the announcement today that Jim Belushi's near perfect sitcom "According To Jim" was to be no more rendered me weakened, saddened, and doubled over in pain, wretching. What a dark day to be a fan of great things. Now I know how Plato's widow must have felt.

"According To Jim" gave us eight wonderous seasons of comedic missteppery and life affirming heartlessons (a term I coined inspired by the show). I had always thought that they could have given us at least 30 more seasons, with an 84-year old Jim Belushi leading the charge into a fantastic final season in 2039. The potential for multiple spin-offs was clearly omnipresent-a show based around Jim's portly co-conspirator, Andy, would have been gangbusters for certain. Alas, it is not to be. "According To Jim" has prematurely gone gently into that good night. Now, the show will forever be the delectable souffle that didn't rise to it's true potential and was discarded callously by an uncaring French master chef.
The uncaring French master chef in question? The American Broadcasting Company, or as it's better known in most circles, ABC.
Riddle me this, ABC. If you are, in fact, the "American" Broadcasting Company, how did you so terribly misread the wants and needs of the American people by canceling the most beloved show in the history of this great country? I don't care what the ratings were; "According To Jim" was everyone in America's favorite show, whether they watched it every week or not. Knowing that it was there for them to watch if they so desired was enough. Knowing that after a tough day, Jim Belushi's flannel shirted chest was there to nestle their collective heads into was the comfort this country needed to make it though another trying week out there. Now, without it, I don't know how much longer we got. A pox upon you, so-called "American" Broadcasting Company!
On the bright side, we will always have the syndicated re-runs to keep us laughing. Until the end of time, future generations can enjoy classic episodes, such as season 4's legendary "The Mustache" ( A hot delivery girl gives Jim some fashion advice, prompting him to grow a mustache, which Cheryl hates. Cheryl retaliates by becoming a brunette - but Jim loves it. After a chance meeting with the girl, Cheryl asks her to give Jim suggestions that will make him look ridiculous.) or the cleverly titled and hilarious season 5 tour-de-force, "Antec-Don'ts" (Cheryl, upset that Jim thinks her daily anecdotes are boring, steals Dana's story about meeting Oprah. Jim, now determined to out-do Cheryl, makes up a story about his construction office catching fire. But when Cheryl take the kids to see the damage, Jim and Andy, who are scrambling to make it look authentic, end up setting a real fire). If you're like me, reading these actual plot summaries of real episodes of "According To Jim" will make you realize how badly ABC blew it by canceling this great show. According to Andy, this is indeed a dark, dark day.

Hey! You! Did you know...? The Insane Conspiracy Theory Edition

- The swine flu outbreak was started by the government to take attention away from the economic crisis. Ok, dig this- We as a people were really starting to get up in arms about the recession that's going on, right? So, the powers that be decided to cause some kind of distraction to take our minds off of it so they can continue bailing out banks and flying Air Force Ones around New York City without us getting pissed off about it and overthrowing them (believe you me, that's the last thing they ever want ever!). Next thing you know, there's a swine flu outbreak in Mexico and it's all over the news. That made me pretty suspicious enough already, like "Why is this even on the news?"(sometimes things are planted in the news to get our attention or plant a seed of thought fyi). Then, like, 2 days later, the swine flu is all over America killing people? Get the fuck out of here, man. The swine flu "just so happened" to spread that quickly. Yeah, ok. We know the truth!!
Bullfucking shit there's some shit like that happening right now all on it's own. The government sent out agents who had the swine flu strain on them to Mexico first. Once there, they started infecting people (possibly people viewed as "persons of interest" by the gov.) with the dreaded flu. Then, it was off to the USA again to do it again. Now it was time then to plant more stories in the news about. it Now, it's the biggest thing going on the news and in the papers. But what about the recession, something that was affecting us severely our ability to support ourselves about a week ago? Taking a hike to the back of the paper, near the Jumble and Ziggy, that's fucking where!! Think about it people- we get worried about the swine flu (that they started), we forget about what we were worried about before it, while our defenses are down, they do whatever they want regarding the previous big worry, sooner or later we come back to our senses and when we start thinking "Hey, whatever happened to that recession? " And at that exact moment, that's when they got their way, man , because we had already forgot about it to begin with because of the swine flu, man. We were too busy protecting ourselves from or thinking we already had the swine flu to see what they were doing. They could have been letting Bernie Madoff out of jail for all we know! Geez!
So, take the surgical mask off your mouth and the blinders off your eyes while you're at it, too, dumbass..because that's whats really going on.

River City Ransom- A Video Game I Like Just Fine

I'll never forget the time I got the Nintendo game River City Ransom from my uncle for Christmas in the early-90's. When I opened the wrapping, I was dumbfounded by this game-I had never heard of it before. He could have made it himself in his garage for all I knew at the time (I later found out it was a widely available and popular game and he, in fact, did not make it himself).
Upon first glance at the cover, I deducted that it was probably a game about two Italian guys, possibly brothers- one wielding a steel pipe, the other about to do that "Fuck you" hand gesture thing- rumbling with a bunch of other guys who also were wielding steel pipes outside of River City High School. Steel pipe wielding was a clear theme here, as far as I could tell. Also, it looked as if River City Ransom was set in the 1950's, so there might be some drag racing and Broadway-style dance numbers taking place as well. Maybe MIDI versions of Four Seasons songs as the soundtrack? I was about to find out!
As it turned out, I was kinda wrong. Like with most Nintendo game box covers, the beautiful art work was very misleading. River City Ransom took place in present day River City (presumably in either New Jersey or Japan), where "two friends named Alex and Ryan were on a mission to rescue River City High and Ryan's girlfriend Cyndi from the clutches of a villain called 'Slick'. Along the way, they battle with gangs of students (with names such as 'The Generic Dudes' or 'The Frat Guys') and several bosses and sub-bosses "(Wikipedia). In other words, they run through town and battle thousands of gang members, with names like Harry, Ralph, Barry, and Trip. How did I know their names? Well, after you beat the living shit out of them, the bottom of the screen shows their last words, kinda like subtitles in a fancy foreign movie. They would say things like "Give my love to Dolores and Trip Jr.. Tell them I was just trying to find a better way for us". Just kidding. They would usually only be saying "BARF!", which might have meant they were projectile vomiting because you just caved their ribs in with your rapid fire karate kicks.
Another thing that was fun about this game was the option to go into different stores along the way and buy food and drinks so you would have the energy to continue constantly running and fighting. You could even pay to take a shower, which lead to the best homoerotic moment of male nudity in a Nintendo game ever!

The best things you could buy, however, were new fighting moves. Apparently, River City had stores that just sell the ability to do complex karate moves, like Dragon Feet (really fast karate kicks that made guys barf really hard), Stone Hands (same deal, but with punching, and not nearly as cool) and Acro Circus (a lame-ass running somersault that sucked dick). I wish there were really stores that you could go into and just buy immediate prowess in martial arts and gymnastics. Rest assured, if such stores exsisted, I would have backflipped and hadukened my way out of one years ago.
River City Ransom might have been a poor man's Double Dragon to some (let's refer to them as wrong-ies), but to me, it's far better in every way possible (except for the lack of fighting on helicopters). I had never heard of this game before I got it, but it wound up being one of my very favorite video games of all time. I once beat it, too (with the help of Game Genie, but so what, fuck you). If you can, go back in time to your childhood and tell your uncle to buy you this for Christmas (and, if applicable, tell him to stop molesting you). You won't regret it. BARF!

New Artwork For Sale!

Due to the overwhelming popularity of my Freddy Krueger piece, I've created 2 more paintings that should prove to be of equal or lesser popularity!
"The Misfits Skull Guy Relaxes In His Hammock On His Day Off"- 2009

Being the instantly recognizable logo for a world famous punk band sure can be exhausting. No one knows that better than the Misfits Skull Guy, seen here in this beautiful painting enjoying a lazy summer Saturday in the backyard of his suburban New Jersey estate. He's lounging care free in his hammock, at his side is a cold glass of iced tea,the radio playing the Steve Miller Band (he doesn't actually care for the Misfits music all that much). His ghoulish eyes are getting rather heavy as he drifts off into a well deserved afternoon nap. He needs to rest up, as he has a long week ahead of adorning countless articles of clothing and assorted other knickknacks available for purchase at Hot Topic, as well as multiple tattoos on Henry Rollins alone.
This gorgeous painting, done with only the finest MS Paint, is suitable for framing and can be yours for $1,500. Contact me via this blog for buying info.
"Ernie Flips Off The Paparazzi Outside Of A Sesame Street Jamba Juice"- 2009

Ernie loses his cool at paparazzi hounding him while he attempts to enjoy a Mango-a-go-go from a East Sesame Street Jamba Juice. After a long day of doing voiceovers for a Sesame Street computer game ("Elmo's Cabana Madness", due out January 2010), Ernie lets the irritating flashing cameras get to him, prompting this classic outburst and subsequently, this amazing piece of artwork. Get it for the Sesame Street fan of all ages in your family for only $2,000. Contact me via this blog for buying info.

Birthday Party Massacres- A New Kind of Killer

No, this isn't a review of an album by some terrible emo band or something- I'm writing today about actual massacres at birthday parties. Like this one, for example-

"A child's birthday party in Oshawa, Ont., ended in horror when a man with a knife killed a mother and wounded her husband and two small children. Durham Regional Police later shot dead a suspect they had tried to arrest."

Or how about this party pooper -

"Kerby Revelus, 23, was shot dead after beheading his sister Bianca during her fifth birthday party, fatally stabbing his 17-year-old sister Samantha and wounding his nine-year-old sister Sarafina"

Pin the tail on this one-

"Houston-A 17-year-old was at a birthday party off West Gulf Bank at Veterans Memorial around 8pm. Authorities say while he was there he was shot and killed. According to HPD, several people heard the shots but no one saw what happened."

Who's ready for cake? Murder cake, that is-

"A 21-year-old Fort Worth man was convicted today in the shooting death of a 5-year-old girl and her grandmother during a 2008 birthday party in southeast Fort Worth. A Tarrant County jury deliberated about four hours before convicting Erick Davila in the death of Queshawn and Annette Stevenson during an April 6, 2008, shooting spree at the Village Creek Town Homes in the Stop Six neighborhood."


These are just some of the many birthday party killings that have occurred within the past year alone. Birthday parties are supposed to be sacred celebrations, filled with fun, friends and red solo cups containing all the generic cola you can drink. Not to mention the delicious cake of the ice creamed and non-ice creamed variety. Now, birthday parties have become the place for horrible murders and brutal family slayings to unfold. Instead of candles being blown out, people are being blown out of living*. Why is this happening?

Dr. Timothy Crews thinks he knows the reason why. "The floral icing found on most birthday cakes can be linked to why people kill at birthday parties" he says. "It's way too sugary sweet and it really messes with the chemicals in people's brains once ingested"

Alright, I'm sorry, I didn't actually speak to any doctors for this story. There is no Dr. Timothy Crews (well, there was an old baseball player named Tim Crews who was on the Dodgers in the '80's). I just wanted to seem like a big shot. The part about the icing is made up also, so don't worry about eating a piece of birthday cake that has a lot of it on there (I even think I was subconsciously trying to scare people away from floral icing so I would have an easier time getting a piece with a lot of flowers on it next time I was at a birthday party, which is also really, really selfish of me).
It's just that I read articles in the newspaper sometimes and they have quotes from doctors and police officers and it just looks so cool, so professional. I want to be a writer at a big newspaper someday is all and well, they get quotes like that all the time. I thought I could try to do the same thing and I blew it by lying. I hope you can still read this blog with a sense of trust in my writing. If not, I understand, because I fucked that up BIG time. Once again, I apologize for hurting anyone or wasting anyone's time.

*I'm also sorry for this sentence. It's horrible.

The Adventures of Lance Maxim- The 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth

I now present my first ever stab at writing science fiction. Hope you enjoy!

The Adventures of Lance Maxim- The 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth

Solitude. Crippling solitude.
As I stalk out the far reaches of this lonely vessel Earth, it's hard for me to fathom that I, Lance Maxim, am the 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth!

Solitude. Ugly, unflinchingly abusive and crippling solitude.

It seems as if it were only yesterday this great planet was practically swarming with fellow human inhabitants, going about their everyday lives- kissing their loved ones goodbye and going to work, eating a panini for lunch, working out at the gym, hanging out with their friends and watching the game, coming home to their families, going to sleep at a reasonable time, just being human, damn it all!- and now here we are, merely one day later, one scant 24 hour passage of time later- and they're all pretty much doing the same thing.

Oh, God, how could you let this happen!

I walk through town, marveling at the sheer horror of it all. At one time, this town was a bustling epicenter of human activity- cars of all shapes and sizes zoomed along the streets, people converged upon busy stores and markets, children played happily in the park. Now, stuff nearly identical to the aforementioned things are happening right before my eyes and will not not happen ever again.
Oh, God. Please, God. No. Not like this.

I found myself standing in front of an empty building that once was a Blockbuster. I stared sadly through the window into the now empty store- this once was a grand icon of mankind's infinite pursuit of joy, a place where families could come to strengthen their bonds and rent celluloid wonders such as "Bangkok Dangerous" and "Wild Hogs". Not anymore. What stood before me was a ghastly spectre, mocking me, the window casting forth a pitiful reflection of a ruined man (myself, Lance Maxim). I broke down sobbing against the glass, as my body crumpled into a heap on the cold concrete. It was at that moment I noticed a piece of paper taped to the door. I picked myself up and fixed my gaze upon the Times New Roman size 24 font that coldly stated the following- "Coming Soon- Dress Barn".
It was simply too much to take.

Solitude. Venerial disease carrying, fat, gross, and crippling solitude.

I finally forced myself to leave. Not long after, I stopped at a Panera Bread and had a Asiago roast beef sandwich. It was pretty good.
I often wonder what I did to deserve my cruel fate. Everything I once knew is mostly still here. All my friends are not dead. I will not never talk to any of my family ever again. Everything has not changed. All I can do now is move forward, drifting hopelessly through this world that isn't really a shell of it's former self.

I am Lance Maxim- The 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth

Coming Soon- Part 2- "A Friend?............... yeah, actually, that's my friend, Russ"

Had They Never Died

Many of our favorite celebrities have died young, leaving us to wonder what could have been. Using my hitherto unknown paranormal psychic abilities, I will now shed some light on what would have been for those famous dead people that left us too soon (instead of lingering around so we could grow tired of them and wish they would just go away).

John Candy(1950-1994)-Sensing that his movie career was stalling a bit after the failure of "Wagons East" at the box office, John Candy probably would have made his long-awaited leap to sitcoms. The show would have been called "Kid In A Candy Store" and would have been a key part of the ABC 1994 fall line-up. In "Kid In A Candy Store", John Candy would play "John Candy", a working class stiff from Chicago who, in the pilot episode (entitled "Much Ado About Bluffin''"), wins big in a high stakes card game, quits his job at an auto parts factory, and moves to Hollywood in order to find fame, fortune, and romance. Making the journey with John would be his slow-witted but lovable co-worker from the factory, "Tommy" (played by Christopher Lloyd) and his wiseacre 13-year old orphaned nephew, "Gus" (played by some kid). Candy soon finds out that life in Hollywood is a far cry from the Windy City, even though he's now trying harder not to get blown away!! With all the beautiful women, fast cars, big movie studios and overall temptation that Tinsel Town has to offer, John Candy soon finds out that he is just like a "Kid In A Candy Store"!
"Kid In A Candy Store" would last for one season before getting axed. The show started strong, debuting in the Nielson Top 20, but lost viewers week by week as word of the shows mediocrity spread. Even the addition of Sandy Duncan as Candy's new girlfriend, "Bernice" and an animated dog named "Larry" did nothing to boost ratings. Rumors of it returning as a mid-season replacement would turn out to be just that: rumors. Many attributed it's cancellation to lack of viewers caused by poor writing , while Candy would publically blame "the Frasier juggarnaut" (the show "Kid" was up against in the same time slot) and "that fag Iger" (Robert Iger, the then president of ABC Television) for the low ratings in a controversial interview in Variety Magazine.
He would then return to the silver screen and make 10 more "Uncle Buck" movies, making it the highest grossing movie franchise ever.


...and that's what would have happened had John Candy never died.