Birthday Party Massacres- A New Kind of Killer

No, this isn't a review of an album by some terrible emo band or something- I'm writing today about actual massacres at birthday parties. Like this one, for example-

"A child's birthday party in Oshawa, Ont., ended in horror when a man with a knife killed a mother and wounded her husband and two small children. Durham Regional Police later shot dead a suspect they had tried to arrest."

Or how about this party pooper -

"Kerby Revelus, 23, was shot dead after beheading his sister Bianca during her fifth birthday party, fatally stabbing his 17-year-old sister Samantha and wounding his nine-year-old sister Sarafina"

Pin the tail on this one-

"Houston-A 17-year-old was at a birthday party off West Gulf Bank at Veterans Memorial around 8pm. Authorities say while he was there he was shot and killed. According to HPD, several people heard the shots but no one saw what happened."

Who's ready for cake? Murder cake, that is-

"A 21-year-old Fort Worth man was convicted today in the shooting death of a 5-year-old girl and her grandmother during a 2008 birthday party in southeast Fort Worth. A Tarrant County jury deliberated about four hours before convicting Erick Davila in the death of Queshawn and Annette Stevenson during an April 6, 2008, shooting spree at the Village Creek Town Homes in the Stop Six neighborhood."


These are just some of the many birthday party killings that have occurred within the past year alone. Birthday parties are supposed to be sacred celebrations, filled with fun, friends and red solo cups containing all the generic cola you can drink. Not to mention the delicious cake of the ice creamed and non-ice creamed variety. Now, birthday parties have become the place for horrible murders and brutal family slayings to unfold. Instead of candles being blown out, people are being blown out of living*. Why is this happening?

Dr. Timothy Crews thinks he knows the reason why. "The floral icing found on most birthday cakes can be linked to why people kill at birthday parties" he says. "It's way too sugary sweet and it really messes with the chemicals in people's brains once ingested"

Alright, I'm sorry, I didn't actually speak to any doctors for this story. There is no Dr. Timothy Crews (well, there was an old baseball player named Tim Crews who was on the Dodgers in the '80's). I just wanted to seem like a big shot. The part about the icing is made up also, so don't worry about eating a piece of birthday cake that has a lot of it on there (I even think I was subconsciously trying to scare people away from floral icing so I would have an easier time getting a piece with a lot of flowers on it next time I was at a birthday party, which is also really, really selfish of me).
It's just that I read articles in the newspaper sometimes and they have quotes from doctors and police officers and it just looks so cool, so professional. I want to be a writer at a big newspaper someday is all and well, they get quotes like that all the time. I thought I could try to do the same thing and I blew it by lying. I hope you can still read this blog with a sense of trust in my writing. If not, I understand, because I fucked that up BIG time. Once again, I apologize for hurting anyone or wasting anyone's time.

*I'm also sorry for this sentence. It's horrible.

The Adventures of Lance Maxim- The 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth

I now present my first ever stab at writing science fiction. Hope you enjoy!

The Adventures of Lance Maxim- The 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth

Solitude. Crippling solitude.
As I stalk out the far reaches of this lonely vessel Earth, it's hard for me to fathom that I, Lance Maxim, am the 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth!

Solitude. Ugly, unflinchingly abusive and crippling solitude.

It seems as if it were only yesterday this great planet was practically swarming with fellow human inhabitants, going about their everyday lives- kissing their loved ones goodbye and going to work, eating a panini for lunch, working out at the gym, hanging out with their friends and watching the game, coming home to their families, going to sleep at a reasonable time, just being human, damn it all!- and now here we are, merely one day later, one scant 24 hour passage of time later- and they're all pretty much doing the same thing.

Oh, God, how could you let this happen!

I walk through town, marveling at the sheer horror of it all. At one time, this town was a bustling epicenter of human activity- cars of all shapes and sizes zoomed along the streets, people converged upon busy stores and markets, children played happily in the park. Now, stuff nearly identical to the aforementioned things are happening right before my eyes and will not not happen ever again.
Oh, God. Please, God. No. Not like this.

I found myself standing in front of an empty building that once was a Blockbuster. I stared sadly through the window into the now empty store- this once was a grand icon of mankind's infinite pursuit of joy, a place where families could come to strengthen their bonds and rent celluloid wonders such as "Bangkok Dangerous" and "Wild Hogs". Not anymore. What stood before me was a ghastly spectre, mocking me, the window casting forth a pitiful reflection of a ruined man (myself, Lance Maxim). I broke down sobbing against the glass, as my body crumpled into a heap on the cold concrete. It was at that moment I noticed a piece of paper taped to the door. I picked myself up and fixed my gaze upon the Times New Roman size 24 font that coldly stated the following- "Coming Soon- Dress Barn".
It was simply too much to take.

Solitude. Venerial disease carrying, fat, gross, and crippling solitude.

I finally forced myself to leave. Not long after, I stopped at a Panera Bread and had a Asiago roast beef sandwich. It was pretty good.
I often wonder what I did to deserve my cruel fate. Everything I once knew is mostly still here. All my friends are not dead. I will not never talk to any of my family ever again. Everything has not changed. All I can do now is move forward, drifting hopelessly through this world that isn't really a shell of it's former self.

I am Lance Maxim- The 6.76 Billionth To Last Man On Earth

Coming Soon- Part 2- "A Friend?............... yeah, actually, that's my friend, Russ"

Had They Never Died

Many of our favorite celebrities have died young, leaving us to wonder what could have been. Using my hitherto unknown paranormal psychic abilities, I will now shed some light on what would have been for those famous dead people that left us too soon (instead of lingering around so we could grow tired of them and wish they would just go away).

John Candy(1950-1994)-Sensing that his movie career was stalling a bit after the failure of "Wagons East" at the box office, John Candy probably would have made his long-awaited leap to sitcoms. The show would have been called "Kid In A Candy Store" and would have been a key part of the ABC 1994 fall line-up. In "Kid In A Candy Store", John Candy would play "John Candy", a working class stiff from Chicago who, in the pilot episode (entitled "Much Ado About Bluffin''"), wins big in a high stakes card game, quits his job at an auto parts factory, and moves to Hollywood in order to find fame, fortune, and romance. Making the journey with John would be his slow-witted but lovable co-worker from the factory, "Tommy" (played by Christopher Lloyd) and his wiseacre 13-year old orphaned nephew, "Gus" (played by some kid). Candy soon finds out that life in Hollywood is a far cry from the Windy City, even though he's now trying harder not to get blown away!! With all the beautiful women, fast cars, big movie studios and overall temptation that Tinsel Town has to offer, John Candy soon finds out that he is just like a "Kid In A Candy Store"!
"Kid In A Candy Store" would last for one season before getting axed. The show started strong, debuting in the Nielson Top 20, but lost viewers week by week as word of the shows mediocrity spread. Even the addition of Sandy Duncan as Candy's new girlfriend, "Bernice" and an animated dog named "Larry" did nothing to boost ratings. Rumors of it returning as a mid-season replacement would turn out to be just that: rumors. Many attributed it's cancellation to lack of viewers caused by poor writing , while Candy would publically blame "the Frasier juggarnaut" (the show "Kid" was up against in the same time slot) and "that fag Iger" (Robert Iger, the then president of ABC Television) for the low ratings in a controversial interview in Variety Magazine.
He would then return to the silver screen and make 10 more "Uncle Buck" movies, making it the highest grossing movie franchise ever.


...and that's what would have happened had John Candy never died.

What Does My Dream Mean?

The other night I had an unusual dream. I was at a hardcore show...that was taking place entirely inside the above ground swimming pool in my backyard. Everyone in attendance was in the water, swimming around or moshing, even the band, which for some reason only consisted of a guy with a microphone, screaming over a pre-recorded tape of a beatdown-style metalcore band (which kinda sounded like Hatebreed or Sworn Enemy). When I asked him where the rest of the band was, he arrogantly responded, " For those of you who don't already know, the rest of the band couldn't make it, so stop asking me about it already". He felt the need to say this on the microphone too, even though I was 3 feet away from him, in the same above ground swimming pool. He was a total dick.

Despite his shitty attitude, the show was pretty awesome. Due to being submerged in water, I became way more agile and acrobatic than I could ever hope to be on dry land. I was busting out underwater somersaults and handstands during the breakdown parts, while during the fast parts, I was Jackie Chan-running along the wall of the pool in the circle pit (which caused a fun little whirlpool of sorts to occur.) Being in water also made it hard to do the mosh moves that are staples of hardcore shows, like the windmill or picking up change, but it didn't really matter. Who needs those when you can just playfully splash one another?
There were at least 8 or 9 other people in the audience and we were all really into it. We also made sure to show pool scene unity to each other. When someone would fall to the bottom of the pool, we would pick them back up so they wouldn't potentially drown in the 4 ft. of water. We also made sure to help anyone that got water up their nose, because that's a really uncomfortable feeling. The show in my dream was a really good time. It showed that the above ground pool hardcore scene is still alive and well in 2009!

Of course, it was just a weird dream and like most dreams, I couldn't make sense of this one at all. I went to a dream interpretation website and put the term "above ground swimming pool moshing" into it's search engine. I guess it was way too specific, because it yielded no results. So, I narrowed the search down to the word "pool". I got this explanation- "To see a pool of water in your dream indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past." I guess that makes sense. Too often I don't give enough thought to why I feel a certain way or just wait to get over whatever it is that's bothering me. I need to work on that- or "dive right in", as it were. As for "washing away the past", I definitely should really let go of any negative feelings or grudges from my past and just start anew. Start living in the now while thinking about the future. It all made sense. But why the hardcore show? I couldn't find any answers for that ( please feel free to speculate and add your own interpretation as a comment). Maybe it's just because I think it's a funny idea. I guess my dreams are turning into comedy skits or something. It did make for a memorable dream, however. 95% of my dreams are completely forgotten as soon as I wake up. I woke up from this particular dream wondering what it meant and eager to seek out an explanation.

Oh, the bed was also totally drenched in urine.

"Challenging Really Popular Celebrities To Fights" Part 1

Hey, Bill Murray, you fucking asshole,

I hope this doesn't get "Lost In Translation", but I want to fight you. I don't like you or that show you had on Comedy Central where you and your less famous brothers played golf. It was a terrible show. You may have been the main character in the popular movie "Scrooged", but soon you're going to be the main character in the unpopular (for you) real-life scenario, "Punched", because I plan on punching you in your instantly recognizble face. What about that, Mr. "What About Bob"? Your popularity may span the past 30 years, with fans of all ages and a long list of very funny movies, but that's not going to stop me from bashing your head into a bike rack (oh, we're gonna be fighting in a parking lot. I forgot to mention that.) Much like how you were the voice of Garfield in the Garfield films, I'm going to be the voice of pain that you won't even be able to hear, because your ears will be swollen shut from a thunderous series of haymakers.

While I'm viciously assaulting you, you're going to be hoping for me to have a "Quick Change" of heart, but you'll soon learn that a tiger doesn't change his "Stripes", because I will not relent. You'll wish that the paramedics "Rushmore" to the scene of the beating, but you can bet your "Meatballs", that they won't want to see the "(brief but hilarious part in) Little Shop of Horrors" I unleashed upon your pummeled body with my "Ghostbusters 1 & 2", (which are my nicknames for my fists), my "The Royal Tennenbaums" (which is what I call my elbows), or my "Not Ready For Primetime Players During the Brilliant Early Years of Saturday Night Live" (my feet). "Owwww, "The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou", you'll manage to gurgle out from your coagulated blood covered mouth, " I guess I really was "The Man Who Knew Too Little." You'll say that before collapsing to the ground, like how "Broken Flowers" might collapse to the ground because of their unsteady base. You'll probably hope that it won't be like the plot of one of my all time favorite movies of yours, "Groundhog Day" and you won't have to repeatedly experience this kind of intense thrashing every single day of your life until you have an important change of heart. Not even "Charlie's Angels" will save you! (Good call on stepping out of the sequel to that piece of shit, btw. Dodged a bullet there.) As a matter of fact, it'll be such a"Caddyshack" of "The Darjeeling Limited", not even "Osmosis Jones" will "Kingpin" "Where the Buffalo Roam" "Coffee and Cigarettes" "Tootsie" and "City of Ember".

You douchebag.

Hey, Murray, remember when you were in "Space Jam" and you played Michael Jordan's friend? Well, don't expect me to be at all similar to that character when it comes to my friendship to you, because we're not friends, capiche? You may easily be one of the most popular SNL cast members ever, with incredible longevity and influence on a whole generation of comedic actors, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking to punch you in the solar plexis with brass knuckles or throw your unconcious body down a flight of stairs. I can't wait to kick your teeth in, Bill Murray, you hilarious man.
See you then,
Andy*



* Just to avoid the incredibly slim chance of any potential legal ramifications, I'm not really looking to fight or assault Bill Murray. He's hilarious.