The Time Traveler's Wife

Not long ago, I saw a trailer for a movie called "The Time Traveler's Wife". I immediately assumed this film would be about a married couple that get's really rich through betting on sports that take place in the future. It's the perfect racket- just ask Biff Tannen. The time traveling husband goes into the future, buys a sports almanac and then gives it to the wife, who begins betting big money on every game possible. They make tons of money and nobody catches on because the Time Traveler can keep going back and forth though time, covering their tracks. It's a perfect scam! The only thing that could stop them is greed- like if one decided to kill the other in order to get their share of the money! That would be good. This way, the plot twist could possibly be that the greed murder could fuck up the outcome of a game from the future they bet all their money on, double or nothing.
Like, maybe she shoots him while they're both in a helicopter going over the Citrus Dome during the Citrus Bowl. He get's blown through a window, falls thousands of feet into the stadium during the crucial final play, and lands on top of the Florida A&M quarterback as he's about to make the winning pass and it costs them the game. (Since this is a bullshit movie, everyone would carry on as if a corpse falling from the sky and killing a young quarterback is just some kind of annoying inconvenience. Maybe show shots of fans in the stands with their faces painted up in the team colors going "AWWW!" and angrily tossing down their team pendants, an old lady can do a spittake and yell "What the fuck!?" or something. Meanwhile the other team would celebrate and do the whole "dump a barrel of Gatorade on the coach" thing, totally ignoring the horrible tragedy that just occured.)
In the end they would see how greed ruined their love as well as the great scam they had going. Then the Time Traveler could go back in time and stop the tragic chain of events from unfolding. Unless, he's the one that gets killed, in which case the Time Traveler's Wife would just have to go to prison for murder. I guess it would all depend on which ending goes over better with test audiences.
As it turns out, the movie is not about what I pretended to assume it would be about. According to Wikipedia (a web site that's like an internet encyclopedia; it's really cool), it's about a woman's relationship over the course of her life with a guy who "has a genetic disorder that causes him to time travel randomly". Random time travel sounds like a way better genetic disorder than say, diabetes, that's for sure. It doesn't seem like they do much to capitalize monetarily on the time travel either. They probably just spend all their time together coiled in a loving embrace- He just slowly runs the front of his index and middle finger down the side of her face as they gaze longingly into each others eyes, both sadly aware that this magic moment is fleeting as it won't be long before he ascends through time yet again. She sheds a single tear and he kisses her gently on the forehead, all the while Coldplay provides the soundtrack (I seriously just guessed Coldplay and then I looked up the movie's soundtrack and, sure enough, fucking Coldplay is on the soundtrack for real!). No matter what happens as he travels through time, even if he get's raped by a dinosaur or robbed at gunpoint by a naked W.C Fields, he will come back to her. This movie makes us see that true love transcends the boundaries of time. It's a powerful film experience that you might never forget.

This is all speculative, by the way. I haven't seen and will never see the movie because it isn't about them betting on sport events from the future.

Yo, fuck this movie, yo.

Summer Del Muerte-Tribute to the Overlooked

This recent rash of celebrity deaths has hit us all pretty hard, leaving our world just a little less famous than it was before the summer began. A summer which I have dubbed the "Summer Del Muerte"tm.It seems as if every day someone we all know and love (not personally) is dying and it's getting hard to keep track of everyone that's perished. We all know that the King of Pop, Ed McMahon died, but a lot of less notable celebs also kicked the farm and were totally overshadowed by the really, really famous people, like Billy Mays and all those boxers. I will now attempt to give some of them their due. While the media and the general public may have, I haven't forgotten you, nobodies.

June- The Cruel Summer Rears It's Ugly,Killing Head

Dr. Michael Vincent O'Brien may not have ever moonwalked (possibly), but what he did do was train race horses in his native Ireland. In 2003 he was voted the greatest influence in horse racing history, according to a worldwide vote hosted by the Racing Post newspaper (and Wikipedia, lest you think I researched any of this shit). The guy trained six horses to win the Epsom Derby, which sounds like an important event for horse racing. His death, on June 1st at the age of 92, got the morbid month of June off to a slow but steady start, as it looks to overtake Daddy's Cinnemon Dancer and Black-Eyed Nellie for the lead.

Kai Lai Chung was a Chinese born American Mathematician who passed away on June 2nd, also at the age of 92. His contributions to the modern probablitly theory made him famous the world over and also got him laid..A LOT. So much so that during one of his famous marathon sex romps, Chung once lost count of how many women he had partaken in throughout the course of that particular cocaine and stochastic integration-fueled night . Which of course, citing Chung's status as a great mathematician, can easily be categorized as impressive.

Omar Bongo Ondimba was a man born with a really great name that I will forever be glad to have stumbled across while writing this blog. He was also a man that was born to lead, as he was the president of Gabon from 1967 until his untimely death from a heart attack on June 7th, 2009. Gabon is a country in West Central Africa. It is also country that now mourns the loss of their president, Omar Bongo Ondimba. Godspeed, Omar Bongo Ondimba.

Peter Brereton Townsend (6 April 1928 - 7 June 2009) and Dusty Rhodes ( May 13 1927- June 17 2009) were a socioligist and an old timey baseball player, respectively, but collectively, they were 2 guys who's deaths may have caused some initial confusion due to the more famous men similarily named Pete Townshend and Dusty Rhodes. Fear not, fans of the Who and pro wrestling alike, the Pete Townshend and Dusty Rhodes you know and love are both still alive and well. Sociology and old timey baseball fans, I'm sorry for your loss.

June 25th will forever be known in the annals of history as the day Michael Jackson, arguably the most famous person to ever do anything, shockingly died at the age of 50. It was also the day that Farrah Fawcett, who was considerably less famous, died at 62, which was sadly overshadowed by Jacko fading to blacko. Even worse, Western fiction author Don Coldsmith also died on that same day at the age of 83, with word of Farrah Fawcet's death completely eclipsing news of his passing. Not to be outdone (which I guess he was), Kentucky Poet Laureate James Baker Hall expired on June 25th as well, news of which was sadly overshadowed by the death of Don Coldsmith. A sad, vicous cycle indeed.

July- The Death March Marches Forward March

In an unbelievable coincedence, the first of the month took away from us yet another elderly horse trainer, as Takayoshi Yasuda, a Japanese jockey and horse trainer died on July 1st at the age of 89. You can't make this shit up! And even if you could, why would you?

On July 5th, retired pro wrestler Waldo Von Erich died at the age of 75. Though he portrayed Fritz Von Erich's brother, Waldo was not actually related to the famously doomed wrestling family. Yet, you can't help but feel that he might have gotten hit with some of the shrapnel from the curse of the Von Erich family, even if he died at the relatively old age of 75. Watch your back, Lance Von Erich (who, for non-wrestling fans who might read this, was unrelated by blood to the Von Erichs, but pretended to be a 3rd cousin or something in the ring. Sorry for the obscure wrestling reference.)

Dallas R. McKennon died on July 14th at the ripe old age of 89. Working as a voice actor, McKennon was the voice for Gumby, Archie, and a host of different Disney characters. He also looked kinda terrifying, if you ask me, sorta like a murderous drifter or hobo.
Maybe it's best he mainly did voiceover work.

Lastly, I shine the spotlight of death on one Henry William Allingham, who was the oldest verified living man,until he died at the age of 113 on July 18th, at which point he was stripped of the title for obvious reasons.

This super supercentenarian served in both World Wars, lived through like, 59 Presidents, and was able to see Harrison Ford blossom into a leading man right before his very eyes. He also probably had to live through the deaths of countless friends and family members (and Michael Jackson), which has to be a bit of a bummer. He credited "cigarettes, whisky and wild, wild women – and a good sense of humour" for his longevity, which really seems to be the cliche, hackey thing for all these old fucks to say. Couldn't he have just been honest and admitted that he only drank water, never smoked, and hadn't encountered any "wild, wild women" since the late 1950's ? People who actually live like that die in their early 40's, not at the age of 113. I don't mean to speak ill of the dead, but Henry William Allingham might have been full of shit.

As this gruesome summer continues, hopefully the death toll of the famous will stop rising. We need famous people alive and well, so that we have something to strive for- the hope that we may one day walk past a famous person on the street and then text a friend about it (i.e "OMG I just saw Jon Lovitz on the strt!!!!")

Hopefully, August will be kinder.

Misawa's Death Makes Me-sad-a

Pro wrestlers are a lot like the goldfish that are in plastic bags that you win at a carnival- they die early and often. You may be psyched on them at first, but don't grow too attached. Those goldfish will more than likely be belly up an hour or two after you get home, probably from a steroid related heart attack. Don't go buying a giant fish tank or anything.
Japanese wrestling legend Mitsuharu Misawa died on June 13th, 2009, after taking a backdrop suplex in a match. Original reports indicated that Misawa died of a heart attack, but it was later shown to have been from spinal damage. Misawa was easily one of the greatest wrestlers of all time- his career spanned nearly 3 decades and in that time, he had countless legendary matches and was one of the most influential and important Japanese wrestlers ever. Nowhere is that influence more obvious than in Pro Wrestling NOAH, the company he started in 2000 following his departure from All-Japan Pro Wrestling, the place where Misawa made his name throughout the 80's and 90's. Misawa was considered the "ace" of All-Japan during the 90's, racking up 5 star matches like a billiards player might rack up pool balls (terrible metaphor).
When he left All-Japan, there was a mass-exodus of wrestlers following Misawa to NOAH. Pro Wrestling NOAH became the place to see former All-Japan mainstays like Misawa, Kenta Kobashi, and Jun Akiyama, as well as some of the most exciting young wrestlers to ever come out of Japan (KENTA, Naomichi Marufuji, Takeshi Morishima, and Go Shiozaki, just to name a few) and visiters from other parts of the world (but mainly just the U.S and England). On a personal note, Pro Wrestling NOAH was the first Japanese wrestling company that I took a really big interest in, mostly because it looked like the guys really kicked the shit out of each other there. Misawa also influenced many wrestlers across the globe with the hard hitting style he helped pioneer. Misawa revolutionized pro wrestling, not just in Japan, but in general. There will never be another wrestler like him.

He also looked a little like a Japanese Gary Shandling.
At least I always thought so.

Anyway, Misawa accomplished a lot during his time as a wrestler and then he died at the ripe old age of 46. Needless to say, that is way too young. I also always thought he was almost 60 or something. Clearly, getting dropped on your head and suffering multiple concussions for decades on end ages you drastically. Oh, and then I guess it kills you. Misawa wasn't the first wrestler to die really young this year (former WWE wrestler Andrew "Test" Martin died in March at the age of 33; later that same month, Mexican star Abismo Negro passed away at 37) and he probably won't be the last.
To quote Cam'ron, from a pivotal scene in his classic movie, "Killa Season", "It's an epidemic in my hood, B."
I'm a huge, lifelong fan of pro wrestling. I watch it a lot and go to wrestling shows on a fairly regular basis. People may look down on it or call it "fake", but I could give a shit. At it's best, pro wrestling is an awesome spectacle to behold. I appreciate it the way a film buff might appreciate "Citizen Kane" or "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever". A really great match is like fine art to me or better yet, like an aged bottle of fine wine. I'm all like "I'll take some Flair vs. Steamboat '89, room temperature, please". I enjoy it immensely. I'm not a loser. I just know it.
If there's one thing about it that I can't enjoy, it's the really high death rate. Watch any random WWF show from the 80's or 90's (fuck it, even the early part of this decade)and you'll find a disturbing amout of guys who are now dead on the card (you can even make it a drinking game, if you want). Chances are they died before or not long after they turned 40. Shit's fucked up.
I don't like how watching wrestling can be a grim, morbid affair at times. Things must change.

It should also be noted that old timey boring wreslers like Verne Gagne and Lou Thesz lived well in to their 80s, while exciting, fun-to-watch guys like Eddie Guerrero, Owen Hart, and now Misawa died young (from various different circumstances). So, from a purely selfish standpoint, I want nothing to change! Besides, who needs dumb goldfish anyways!!!


Just kidding.
Things really do need to change. Maybe wrestle in football helmets? I don't know.

I'm going to go watch some wrestling.

A Dark Day To Be A Fan Of Great Things

It was 4 am when I picked up the phone, which had been ringing frantically in my study for over an hour. At first, I thought it was part of the dream I was having about climbing a ladder made entirely of spaghetti. I ignored it as I gleefully climbed each saucy rung. However, I would soon realize the ringing phone was not part of the dream and it would prove to be the cold, clammy hand of despicable reality, cruelly and violently jostling me awake.

It was my friend, Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D, a man I have known for well over 4 decades. Alan usually calls me on the weekends to discuss college basketball and our mutual disinterest in it. I was surprised to hear his gentle, calming voice on a tuesday morning. I could immediately tell something was wrong when he appeared to be softly weeping when I asked him why he was calling.
Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D- "Andy...are you sitting down?"

Me (Andy)- "Yes, old friend, I am sitting on the burgundy leather sofa in my study. Now, I say you, out with it"

Dr. Alan Peachtree M.D-"Andy...ABC cancelled "According To Jim."

Me (Andy)- "woah....I think I need to sit down." (I had lied to him about sitting down)

Much like being on the receiving end of a crippling jab to the solar plexis from a prize fighter, the announcement today that Jim Belushi's near perfect sitcom "According To Jim" was to be no more rendered me weakened, saddened, and doubled over in pain, wretching. What a dark day to be a fan of great things. Now I know how Plato's widow must have felt.

"According To Jim" gave us eight wonderous seasons of comedic missteppery and life affirming heartlessons (a term I coined inspired by the show). I had always thought that they could have given us at least 30 more seasons, with an 84-year old Jim Belushi leading the charge into a fantastic final season in 2039. The potential for multiple spin-offs was clearly omnipresent-a show based around Jim's portly co-conspirator, Andy, would have been gangbusters for certain. Alas, it is not to be. "According To Jim" has prematurely gone gently into that good night. Now, the show will forever be the delectable souffle that didn't rise to it's true potential and was discarded callously by an uncaring French master chef.
The uncaring French master chef in question? The American Broadcasting Company, or as it's better known in most circles, ABC.
Riddle me this, ABC. If you are, in fact, the "American" Broadcasting Company, how did you so terribly misread the wants and needs of the American people by canceling the most beloved show in the history of this great country? I don't care what the ratings were; "According To Jim" was everyone in America's favorite show, whether they watched it every week or not. Knowing that it was there for them to watch if they so desired was enough. Knowing that after a tough day, Jim Belushi's flannel shirted chest was there to nestle their collective heads into was the comfort this country needed to make it though another trying week out there. Now, without it, I don't know how much longer we got. A pox upon you, so-called "American" Broadcasting Company!
On the bright side, we will always have the syndicated re-runs to keep us laughing. Until the end of time, future generations can enjoy classic episodes, such as season 4's legendary "The Mustache" ( A hot delivery girl gives Jim some fashion advice, prompting him to grow a mustache, which Cheryl hates. Cheryl retaliates by becoming a brunette - but Jim loves it. After a chance meeting with the girl, Cheryl asks her to give Jim suggestions that will make him look ridiculous.) or the cleverly titled and hilarious season 5 tour-de-force, "Antec-Don'ts" (Cheryl, upset that Jim thinks her daily anecdotes are boring, steals Dana's story about meeting Oprah. Jim, now determined to out-do Cheryl, makes up a story about his construction office catching fire. But when Cheryl take the kids to see the damage, Jim and Andy, who are scrambling to make it look authentic, end up setting a real fire). If you're like me, reading these actual plot summaries of real episodes of "According To Jim" will make you realize how badly ABC blew it by canceling this great show. According to Andy, this is indeed a dark, dark day.

Hey! You! Did you know...? The Insane Conspiracy Theory Edition

- The swine flu outbreak was started by the government to take attention away from the economic crisis. Ok, dig this- We as a people were really starting to get up in arms about the recession that's going on, right? So, the powers that be decided to cause some kind of distraction to take our minds off of it so they can continue bailing out banks and flying Air Force Ones around New York City without us getting pissed off about it and overthrowing them (believe you me, that's the last thing they ever want ever!). Next thing you know, there's a swine flu outbreak in Mexico and it's all over the news. That made me pretty suspicious enough already, like "Why is this even on the news?"(sometimes things are planted in the news to get our attention or plant a seed of thought fyi). Then, like, 2 days later, the swine flu is all over America killing people? Get the fuck out of here, man. The swine flu "just so happened" to spread that quickly. Yeah, ok. We know the truth!!
Bullfucking shit there's some shit like that happening right now all on it's own. The government sent out agents who had the swine flu strain on them to Mexico first. Once there, they started infecting people (possibly people viewed as "persons of interest" by the gov.) with the dreaded flu. Then, it was off to the USA again to do it again. Now it was time then to plant more stories in the news about. it Now, it's the biggest thing going on the news and in the papers. But what about the recession, something that was affecting us severely our ability to support ourselves about a week ago? Taking a hike to the back of the paper, near the Jumble and Ziggy, that's fucking where!! Think about it people- we get worried about the swine flu (that they started), we forget about what we were worried about before it, while our defenses are down, they do whatever they want regarding the previous big worry, sooner or later we come back to our senses and when we start thinking "Hey, whatever happened to that recession? " And at that exact moment, that's when they got their way, man , because we had already forgot about it to begin with because of the swine flu, man. We were too busy protecting ourselves from or thinking we already had the swine flu to see what they were doing. They could have been letting Bernie Madoff out of jail for all we know! Geez!
So, take the surgical mask off your mouth and the blinders off your eyes while you're at it, too, dumbass..because that's whats really going on.

River City Ransom- A Video Game I Like Just Fine

I'll never forget the time I got the Nintendo game River City Ransom from my uncle for Christmas in the early-90's. When I opened the wrapping, I was dumbfounded by this game-I had never heard of it before. He could have made it himself in his garage for all I knew at the time (I later found out it was a widely available and popular game and he, in fact, did not make it himself).
Upon first glance at the cover, I deducted that it was probably a game about two Italian guys, possibly brothers- one wielding a steel pipe, the other about to do that "Fuck you" hand gesture thing- rumbling with a bunch of other guys who also were wielding steel pipes outside of River City High School. Steel pipe wielding was a clear theme here, as far as I could tell. Also, it looked as if River City Ransom was set in the 1950's, so there might be some drag racing and Broadway-style dance numbers taking place as well. Maybe MIDI versions of Four Seasons songs as the soundtrack? I was about to find out!
As it turned out, I was kinda wrong. Like with most Nintendo game box covers, the beautiful art work was very misleading. River City Ransom took place in present day River City (presumably in either New Jersey or Japan), where "two friends named Alex and Ryan were on a mission to rescue River City High and Ryan's girlfriend Cyndi from the clutches of a villain called 'Slick'. Along the way, they battle with gangs of students (with names such as 'The Generic Dudes' or 'The Frat Guys') and several bosses and sub-bosses "(Wikipedia). In other words, they run through town and battle thousands of gang members, with names like Harry, Ralph, Barry, and Trip. How did I know their names? Well, after you beat the living shit out of them, the bottom of the screen shows their last words, kinda like subtitles in a fancy foreign movie. They would say things like "Give my love to Dolores and Trip Jr.. Tell them I was just trying to find a better way for us". Just kidding. They would usually only be saying "BARF!", which might have meant they were projectile vomiting because you just caved their ribs in with your rapid fire karate kicks.
Another thing that was fun about this game was the option to go into different stores along the way and buy food and drinks so you would have the energy to continue constantly running and fighting. You could even pay to take a shower, which lead to the best homoerotic moment of male nudity in a Nintendo game ever!

The best things you could buy, however, were new fighting moves. Apparently, River City had stores that just sell the ability to do complex karate moves, like Dragon Feet (really fast karate kicks that made guys barf really hard), Stone Hands (same deal, but with punching, and not nearly as cool) and Acro Circus (a lame-ass running somersault that sucked dick). I wish there were really stores that you could go into and just buy immediate prowess in martial arts and gymnastics. Rest assured, if such stores exsisted, I would have backflipped and hadukened my way out of one years ago.
River City Ransom might have been a poor man's Double Dragon to some (let's refer to them as wrong-ies), but to me, it's far better in every way possible (except for the lack of fighting on helicopters). I had never heard of this game before I got it, but it wound up being one of my very favorite video games of all time. I once beat it, too (with the help of Game Genie, but so what, fuck you). If you can, go back in time to your childhood and tell your uncle to buy you this for Christmas (and, if applicable, tell him to stop molesting you). You won't regret it. BARF!

New Artwork For Sale!

Due to the overwhelming popularity of my Freddy Krueger piece, I've created 2 more paintings that should prove to be of equal or lesser popularity!
"The Misfits Skull Guy Relaxes In His Hammock On His Day Off"- 2009

Being the instantly recognizable logo for a world famous punk band sure can be exhausting. No one knows that better than the Misfits Skull Guy, seen here in this beautiful painting enjoying a lazy summer Saturday in the backyard of his suburban New Jersey estate. He's lounging care free in his hammock, at his side is a cold glass of iced tea,the radio playing the Steve Miller Band (he doesn't actually care for the Misfits music all that much). His ghoulish eyes are getting rather heavy as he drifts off into a well deserved afternoon nap. He needs to rest up, as he has a long week ahead of adorning countless articles of clothing and assorted other knickknacks available for purchase at Hot Topic, as well as multiple tattoos on Henry Rollins alone.
This gorgeous painting, done with only the finest MS Paint, is suitable for framing and can be yours for $1,500. Contact me via this blog for buying info.
"Ernie Flips Off The Paparazzi Outside Of A Sesame Street Jamba Juice"- 2009

Ernie loses his cool at paparazzi hounding him while he attempts to enjoy a Mango-a-go-go from a East Sesame Street Jamba Juice. After a long day of doing voiceovers for a Sesame Street computer game ("Elmo's Cabana Madness", due out January 2010), Ernie lets the irritating flashing cameras get to him, prompting this classic outburst and subsequently, this amazing piece of artwork. Get it for the Sesame Street fan of all ages in your family for only $2,000. Contact me via this blog for buying info.