Ode To A '85 Ford Travel Mix Tape

When I was a kid, I equated my family's road trips (and travelling in general) with a mix tape that came with my mom's 1985 Ford . I guess around that time, Ford decided a good incentive for buying one of their cars would be to give away a travel mixtape with purchase, which is rather nice and thoughtful in a way. If you forgot to bring a cool mix tape with you to the dealership, they were hooking you up right off the bat for the ride home!

This cassette had a slew of songs on it by popular artists that were hot in and around 1985. I was really young and didn't pay attention to the radio or watch MTV, so I didn't know that any of these songs were hits until years later. I thought they were made exclusively for the Ford mix tape. They were songs like "Oh, Sherry" by a fired up Steve Perry, 'Til Tuesday's heart wrenching ode to speaking,"Voices Carry", an extended version of the Cosby Show theme jump off for some fucking reason, and "Headed For the Future" by Neil Diamond. The Neil Diamond song really had me fooled because the lyrics had so many references that could easily have passed for travel metaphors (like "Yeah, we're headed for a new place/ a step at a time/ We're gonna take a long ride"). I thought there was a chance that maybe Neil had an '85 Ford airlifted to his mansion in England where he spent time really getting to know the car well. Running his hand over the hood, sitting inside the car, turning the wipers on and off- he needed to really feel the essence of the car that he in turn, thought was "headed for the future". Of course, I was mistaken. Neil probably wouldn't even piss in between two parked '85 Fords, let alone sit inside one and write an original song dedicated to it.

Over the course of my youth, I probably heard that tape a thousand times, easily. Whenever I hear any of these songs now, I think of my family's countless trips to the Jersey Shore, or when we went to Amish Country (where they probably know nothing of mix tapes in general), or even if we were just going to Shop Rite. Sadly, when I think of anytime spent inside of a car when I was a kid, it has the shittiest soundtrack of all time. It's etched into my brain, more than likely until the day I die. It's my curse and I try to live with it every day the best I can.

Some Music Reviews

I recently wrote some sample music reviews for consideration by a punk rock zine. I thought they were ok so here they are, reprinted with permission of course.

NIGHT BIRDS:Self-titled:CDEP-R- There's a part in Get In the Van, the Henry Rollins literary opus about his time in Black Flag, where he describes how gnarly and vicious the surfer punks from Huntington Beach, CA were. They board a bus without paying the fare, anyone who looked their way got spat on, they were generally mean and unpleasant etc. If Night Birds came out in 1982 instead of 2009, I could imagine their logo scrawled in marker on one of said surf punks denim jackets. Current and ex-members of the Ergs!, Hunchback, Psyched To Die, and For Science invoke memories of Agent Orange and Adolescents at their most breakneck and Dick Dale-inspired best. Looking forward to a full length.-(Self-released,myspace.com/nghtbirds)

RUINER:Hell Is Empty:CD- Baltimore’s Ruiner pick up the slack left by the departure of Modern Life Is War by returning with another slab of emotionally wrought hardcore. The audio equivalent of someone collapsing into a sad heap of anger and frustration. Baltimore hardcore bands (Deep Sleep, Pulling Teeth, Trapped Under Ice) seem to have the market cornered on that kind of stuff. It ain't all designer cakes shaped like Model T Fords coming out of the Charm City nowadays.- (Bridge Nine, www.Bridge9.com)

SANDWORMS:It's a Fucking Demo:CDEP-R- A sandworm themed tour with Shai Hulud should definitely be in the works, but I feel like the Dune reference would go over most of the audience’s heads and Sandworms would just wind up playing for confused hardcore kids every night. Either way,this demo is a fun vision of things to come for the New York pop punk scene. Although Sandworms feature an ex-member of the Steinways in their ranks, the band's sound seems to draw more from the Replacements and the Gaslight Anthem than say, Screeching Weasel. It's still just as catchy and I await the impending growth of these Sandworms with far less horror than if they were actual sandworms.- Andy Conway (Time To Operate, www.timetooperate.com)

WEEKEND NACHOS:Unforgivable:CD- Well, Weekend Nachos would definitely win the award for Best Juxtaposition of Wacky Band Name With Disturbingly Brutal Cover Art at this year's Thrashies (the award show for thrash bands that I just made up). Unforgivablesports a gruesome cover shot of what appears to the severed head of a young girl lying in rubble, which doesn't exactly make me think of a fun Saturday spent eating tortilla chips covered in melted cheese and refried beans. Luckily,their music (which will definitely please fans of heavier crustier bands like Assuck, Skitsystem and Tragedy) more than makes up for their zany nomenclature in the brutality department.-(Relapse, www.relapse.com)

CONVERGE:Axe to Fall:CD- When Converge basically gave birth to the genre of metalcore (whether they meant to or not), there's no way they could have predicted that it would be reduced to the sad state we see today. It's clogged by bands with generic,uninspired chugging breakdowns, abstract sentence fragments for names, and neon vomit splattered t-shirts sold at Hot Topic. That's why it's always refreshing to see Converge come back and annihilate all the phonies and pretenders with another in their series of boneshitting facemelters (albums). Songs like “Dark Horse” and “Reap What You Sow”combine frantic riffing with crazy breakdowns the way Converge do best. This is highly recommended to people who want to hear top notch heavy music; I feel like Converge fans already have this and are working on replacing the lamp they broke while doing karate kick mosh moves to it in their living room.-(Epitaph, www.epitaph.com)

ALEX KERNS:9 Song Demo:CD- Lemuria’s Alex Kerns steps out into the spotlight with this rather expansive demo of solo material. In Lemuria, Kerns is the primary songwriter/sometimes singer, so fans of that band really have no reason not to check this out. The material here is quirky and poppier than Lemuria tends to be. Kerns has an interesting voice, a blend of Dinosaur Jr's J. Mascis and American Music Club's Mark Eitzel. Fans of mid ‘90s indie rock like Pavement and Sebadoh could get into this. “Scar” totally pulls at the heartstrings and “The Girl That I Want To Meet” would have been a college radio hit two decades ago. I can really see Kerns scoring a healthy following as a solo artist.- (Art of the Underground, www.artoftheunderground.com)

DEEP SLEEP:Three Things at Once:CD- Deep Sleep have probably never committed laundry or suppressed flatulence. In other words, they wear their All/Descendents influence proudly on their (record) sleeves and this collection of all their recorded output to date (three 7” records to be exact- You're Screwed, Manic Euphoria and Paranoid Futures) paints a picture of a band that keeps getting better with every subsequent release. There's a heavy influence of all things early-SST here, with Black Flag and Bl'ast also figuring heavily into the equation. Deep Sleep never slack on delivering a song that pounds from start to finish, with tracks like “Textbook Timebomb” and “Let Go” being especially rollicking.- (Grave Mistake, www.gravemistakerecords.com)

PSYCHED TO DIE:Year One:CD- Psyched To Die selected a theme for their band (wanting to die) that will never get old. Good thing they didn't go with Psyched To Scrapbook or Psyched To Drink Tab, because they would have ran out of steam fairly quickly. Year One, much like Deep Sleep's Three Things At Once, compiles the hardcore punk supergroup (featuring current and former members of the Ergs!, Night Birds, Black Wine, and Fast Times) first three releases during their first year as a band. Fast, fun hardcore in the vein of early to mid 1980s bands like 7 Seconds, Black Flag and Deep Wound, a song by whom Psyched To Die is named after. I find myself singing “Five Year Plan" and “Permanent Solution” around the house quite often, which due to the subject matter is slightly troubling, but whatever. Shit's really catchy. To quote Homer Simpson, “Dying would be a stone groove”(Dirtnap,www.dirtnaprecs.com)

MUNICIPAL WASTE:Massive Aggressive:CD- The beer soaked champions of the crossover thrash revival return in fine form on Massive Aggressive. All the things you might already love about Municipal Waste are still firmly intact- songs about stuff that could be plots from cheesy ‘80s horror movies (“The Wrath of the Severed Head”, “Wolves From Chernobyl” ), circle pit ready fast parts, killer breakdowns that will rip the bullet belt right off your waist. Municipal Waste do their thrash forefathers- The Accused, Anthrax, D.R.I- very proud. Seriously,“ Horny For Blood” would be the clear winner for Best Metal Performance at the Grammys, if they weren't such bullshit. When it comes to hearing the best of the new school of thrash, Municipal Waste are easily the place to start.- (Earache,www.earache.com)

DINOSAUR JR.:Farm:CD- I would so live and work on Dinosaur Jr's farm! The bountiful harvest of sweet guitar solos and beautifully earnest songs about life's many bummers would be enough to keep me happy as I worked the land. It's been really awesome to see the original lineup of this legendary band come back together and produce great albums as if there was never that really ugly split between J. Mascis and Lou Barlow all those years ago. I guess sometimes conflict fuels really good music- just ask the Kinks or EPMD. Easily in my year end top 5. I could listen to this all day! I'm gonna go try to plant a guitar tree! - (Jagjagjuwar,www.jagjagjuwar.com)

Culture of Douchebags

We're such a culture of douchebags. I always see commercials where someone's like "Yeeahhh...I don't know about that, hot shot" before grabbing a flatbread sandwich or loan application away from his dumber friend. When did we all get so sarcastic and douchey? And no, I'm not just using what I see in commercials as proof of this, you douchebag.

I'm also using what I've seen in other things on television as proof of this. Like many people, I saw the interaction between Kanye West and Taylor Swift unfold at this year's MTV Video Music Awards and I was horrified at the douchiness. Kanye West needs to stage crash an awards show every year to get a much needed boost to his self esteem and for Taylor Swift to not handle this with a better sense of humor really sickened me. She was being a douchebag by turning everyone against Kanye and his lovable antics. Anyone who shaves funny swirls into their head can't be that bad. All I know is I can name like, 20 Kanye West songs I've liked off the top of my head and that one Taylor Swift song is fucking terrible, so lay off of him already and let her get some of that backla....oh, wait, everyone forgot about this already. Nevermind.

The Juggalos of the Vegetable World

First and foremost, I would like to dedicate this blog to pro wrestling legend Captain Lou Albano, who passed away earlier this week. When I started watching WWF wrestling as a kid, Captain Lou Albano was my favorite manager. I had his action figure and I thought he was great, even though I'm still not sure what he was the captain of (I guess, theoretically, since he navigated the careers of so many wrestlers as their manager, he was kind of like a captain navigating a ship of sorts?)
Captain Lou transcended wrestling. Many non-wrestling fans remember him from his appearances in Cyndi Lauper's music videos and from playing Super Mario on the Mario Brothers cartoon show. I'll always remember him from what he taught me about not giving a fuck. I don't know if that's what he intended, but as a kid, that's how it came across to me. Want to wear a t-shit with an ugly caricature of yourself on it? Do it. Want to wear rubber bands on your beard and face at all times? Just go for it. Pierce your cheek with a safety pin? If Captain Lou can do it, then so can you. He taught me valuable life lessons I'll never forget. Thanks, Captain Lou Albano. RIP



So, I keep forgetting the password to sign in here to update this blog, which either speaks highly of how little I've "blogged" as of late, or how my memory is getting shittier. Probably both. Some quick motherfucking thoughts

- I like brussels sprouts. I've been into them (it?) for a while now, actually. I admit it's not the best tasting vegetable in the world, but I like eating them occasionally and why not, right? Who's gonna fuckin' stop me? You? C'mon, then. *spits on the ground* Pussy.

I feel like they've been unfairly stereotyped as being a shitty tasting food that parents force their kids to eat and are constantly made to look disgustingly gross by the media. I almost want to start an anti-defamation group for brussels sprouts, but then I feel like I would lose credibility when reporters would ask me what my favorite brussels sprouts recipes are, if I was the only kid on my block that liked to eat them, when I discovered that I loved them so much etc. and I would have to be like "Alright, guy, I don't like them THAT much. I just feel bad for them is all"
Pictured above- A big ol' heaping helping of brussel's spouts served in a fun wicker basket is a sure way to liven up your dinner table this holiday season! But don't make it like this picture. There's far too many gross ass brussels sprouts in there and that's probably going to make all your guests sick and ruin whatever holiday it is.

Also, on top of that, I just found out when I started writing this that the correct name for them is "Brussels sprouts". I always thought it was "brussel sprouts". So, as you can see, I'm no expert on the matter. More lost cred points. Yeah, it turns out that they were first found in Brussels in Belgium, hence the name "Brussels sprouts". I definitely would have included that "fun" fact in a pro-sprouts pamphlet if I ever were to start that group. You know, the brussels sprouts anti-defamtion group I was talking about. Like, from before.
Brussels sprouts are like the Juggalos of the vegetable world. They get no respect from anyone and nobody likes them. I guess those are the only reasons I would consider them the Juggalos of the vegetable world. There's no yearly Gathering of the Brussels Sprouts, but how could there be? Their right to assemble has been taken away by anti-brussels sprouts fascists . pictured above- The brussels sprouts of the music world

Give those brussels sprouts another chance, everybody. I swear they're not horrible. They're actually not bad. Not as bad as they're supposed to be, that is.

Writer's Block, Van Halen etc.

I've been trying all night to write this blog's version of Van Halen's first record, but every time I tried, I wound up getting closer to writing this blog's version of the shitty album with the guy from Extreme on vocals, "Van Halen III". In non-Halen terms, I've been trying to write something that's really funny and good that people might enjoy reading, but I can't come up with jackshit. I wonder if this is how Van Halen felt when they were working on one of their earlier albums. What did they do for inspiration? Did David Lee Roth practice mid-air splits while Michael Anthony looked at his Jack Daniels bottle shaped bass, admiring it? Did Eddie and Alex Van Halen reminisce about their childhood in the old country, about how far they came from when they were so poor they had to eat their own hair for dinner(maybe)? Whatever they did, they came up with some solid rock albums back then. But how? What possessed them?

Oh, wait, they probably did a lot of coke. That's it.

I also wonder if this is how they felt when they were working on the shitty album with the guy from Extreme on vocals.They probably didn't even care to get inspired. They were already rich and famous so the hunger was no longer there. There was no real sense of effort here at all. It's clear when you listen to it or even look at the album cover. It's a fucking stock photo with the name of the album lazily placed on the cannon. They didn't even use a cool looking font . What is that anyway, times new roman? I've seen Van Halen bootleg covers with more effort put into them than that.
So, moving forward with my writing, my mantra will be "More Van Halen I, Less Van Halen III". You can do this with any band, really. "More Master of Puppets, Less St. Anger","More Cracked Rear View, Less Fairweather Johnson" and so on. I hope it will yield some better results in the near future.

Soooo....

To say that updates to my blog here have been sporadic would be like saying "Robin William's arms have a couple of hairs on them, no big deal. More like peach fuzz than anything, actually", when we all know Robin Williams has some crazy hairy simian arms and I haven't been productive here in a good while. I swear things will change. Not for Patch Adams himself, Robin Williams, but for me, your old buddy, me! I'll be writing a lot more is what I'm trying to say.

The Time Traveler's Wife

Not long ago, I saw a trailer for a movie called "The Time Traveler's Wife". I immediately assumed this film would be about a married couple that get's really rich through betting on sports that take place in the future. It's the perfect racket- just ask Biff Tannen. The time traveling husband goes into the future, buys a sports almanac and then gives it to the wife, who begins betting big money on every game possible. They make tons of money and nobody catches on because the Time Traveler can keep going back and forth though time, covering their tracks. It's a perfect scam! The only thing that could stop them is greed- like if one decided to kill the other in order to get their share of the money! That would be good. This way, the plot twist could possibly be that the greed murder could fuck up the outcome of a game from the future they bet all their money on, double or nothing.
Like, maybe she shoots him while they're both in a helicopter going over the Citrus Dome during the Citrus Bowl. He get's blown through a window, falls thousands of feet into the stadium during the crucial final play, and lands on top of the Florida A&M quarterback as he's about to make the winning pass and it costs them the game. (Since this is a bullshit movie, everyone would carry on as if a corpse falling from the sky and killing a young quarterback is just some kind of annoying inconvenience. Maybe show shots of fans in the stands with their faces painted up in the team colors going "AWWW!" and angrily tossing down their team pendants, an old lady can do a spittake and yell "What the fuck!?" or something. Meanwhile the other team would celebrate and do the whole "dump a barrel of Gatorade on the coach" thing, totally ignoring the horrible tragedy that just occured.)
In the end they would see how greed ruined their love as well as the great scam they had going. Then the Time Traveler could go back in time and stop the tragic chain of events from unfolding. Unless, he's the one that gets killed, in which case the Time Traveler's Wife would just have to go to prison for murder. I guess it would all depend on which ending goes over better with test audiences.
As it turns out, the movie is not about what I pretended to assume it would be about. According to Wikipedia (a web site that's like an internet encyclopedia; it's really cool), it's about a woman's relationship over the course of her life with a guy who "has a genetic disorder that causes him to time travel randomly". Random time travel sounds like a way better genetic disorder than say, diabetes, that's for sure. It doesn't seem like they do much to capitalize monetarily on the time travel either. They probably just spend all their time together coiled in a loving embrace- He just slowly runs the front of his index and middle finger down the side of her face as they gaze longingly into each others eyes, both sadly aware that this magic moment is fleeting as it won't be long before he ascends through time yet again. She sheds a single tear and he kisses her gently on the forehead, all the while Coldplay provides the soundtrack (I seriously just guessed Coldplay and then I looked up the movie's soundtrack and, sure enough, fucking Coldplay is on the soundtrack for real!). No matter what happens as he travels through time, even if he get's raped by a dinosaur or robbed at gunpoint by a naked W.C Fields, he will come back to her. This movie makes us see that true love transcends the boundaries of time. It's a powerful film experience that you might never forget.

This is all speculative, by the way. I haven't seen and will never see the movie because it isn't about them betting on sport events from the future.

Yo, fuck this movie, yo.